All your Nuts
by hattuteline
Summary: A very random crackfic about the alien squirrels and the saviors of the universe, Team 7. Observe the poor technical execution. This is Reality TV at its best!
1. The dawn of a new world

This is an AU from when Tsunade returns to Leaf. About two years have passed, and the exact happenings will be examined during the story. If you wonder about the base setting, this was originally written way back when.

Hmmm... Authors note? I thought it was up there already... but I have one thing to say: DON'T PANIC!

I apologize for the use of Japanese during this fic, which sucks... both intentionally and unintentionally. But take it as modern art, if you will.

----

"Ooh! My nuts! My nuts! My nuts! Ooh! My nutsMy nutsMy nutsnutsmy nutsMy nutsnutsmynuts!"

Naruto watched as a tiny squirrel hopped about lightly, waved its miniature hands around, and further continued to be a general pain in the ass about its nuts. He didn't look very intimidated, even if there was a clear panic situation going on. Naruto stood still on the grassy hillside in a calm, or an almost indifferent manner. The squirrel hopped some more on the spot, squeaking out annoying noises, and waved its furry paws about randomly.

Naruto rubbed his jaw gently with his thumb and index finger, right about where his beard would someday maybe grow (he has done some planning about it already), and started to seriously ponder about squirrels, nuts, and life in general.

"Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! My-nutty-nuts! Nutty-nutty-nuts!"

Naruto came to a familiar conclusion: His life consisted of nuts and squirrels, and of course pondering about life, which furthermore consisted of more nuts and squirrels. There was nothing else he could remember doing, ever in his life.

"There might be a _mystery_ hidden behind them." Naruto uttered aloud, and repeatedly nodded to himself in a serious manner. He grunted agreeingly to no one in particular.

"Ooh! MY NUTS!11!" the squirrel screamed even more loudly, and triumphantly held a beautiful shining golden nut - with two small green squirrel pins attached to it - towards the skies. "Nutnutnutnutnutnutnuuuuuut-ty!"

"Hey you NUT IDIOT!" Naruto snapped at the squirrel, pointing his finger towards the small creature in a furious manner. "Would you shut up for a second already!"

"Nutnut...?" came the curious reply. The squirrel tilted its tiny head slightly sideways and looked back at Naruto. It still held the shining golden nut "high" above itself, at about knee height compared to the blonde boy.

"_Natto no yarou..._" He muttered quietly for no kind of sane reason, inaudible to the small animal. Suddenly Naruto's mind fills with images of sweet nuts, beautiful squirrels, tasty and shiny nuts, royally elegant squirrels, and thrillingly mesmerizing nuts. He slowly floated off to somewhere warm and fluffy...

---

"Urrgh. Garurururuu... Rrrr!"

Naruto executed a Reverse German Suplex against his pillow. The beautiful suplex stretched across and over the bed reaching all the way to the floor, where his head made painful contact against the thin carpet and especially the hard floor under it. Naruto banged his eyelids wide open to the shocking impact, still hugging his pillow in a tight death-crush. After the initial lunacy of waking up in a situation like this passed away, Naruto examined the dawn's first sunlight shining upon the upside-down world in slight confusion. His ears perked up as he heard a soft yawn coming across the room.

"Good morning, Naruto. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

A pink figure appeared at the upper edge of Naruto's field of vision. He forgot everything about the earlier dreams, and started to dwell on some of the more Important Things In Life, as gently fluttering cherry blossoms flooded the room from nowhere. He wore an exceedingly stupid grin the middle of all this, and squeezed the abused pillow with his tender love.

Yes, Naruto was now days living together with 'his Sakura-chan'. They had their own small house in a village not far from the southern coast of Fire Country. Naruto's days were filled with pure Happiness and Wonder now that his first true love was there to share the ups and downs of life with him.

"Oi, dobe. What's that supposed to be?" A mellow male voice taunted from the doorway.

Naruto crumbled down to the floor together with his rosy pink mental images, as his neck gave way.

"I really didn't want to remember that part..." sobbed Naruto to himself, and caressed his trusty pillow for some much needed comfort.

"Morning." This time it was a lazier, but steady voice. "Wake up, Naruto."

Naruto craned his neck over to look at the people gathered in the room. The beautiful Sakura-chan, the chronically-late sensei, and the bastard-Sasuke were all there. Sakura prepared something on the stove - as usual - while Kakashi read his ever the favourite orange book, and snobby-idiot-Sasuke just tried to look cool and aloof leaning against the wall.

Naruto discarded the pillow for now to the dusty corner, and slowly pulled himself up.

"Hmmmmm?" Naruto looked down at his orange jumpsuit, as if it had just oinked at him accusingly. "...My pyjamas?"

Sasuke turned his head slighly towards Naruto, and replied after a pause, "You collapsed like that yesterday evening. Any attempt to change your clothing and you started calling everyone a nuthead or something, sheesh."

Naruto just looked down in amazement, but turned up with a grin suddenly. "Oh? Sasuke-nuthead suits you pretty well, though!"

Sasuke's eyes sharpened immediately, and a small grunt escaped from his lips.

"Don't start that this early today, thank you." Kakashi muttered from behind the book and the facemask, not bothering to even look up, and flipped a page from his favourite perverted book (volume 135 is out, and still going strong).

----

A couple hours after dawn, after breakfast and other necessary preparations, Team 7 stood before a shop just a few steps away from the marketplace; the centre of the village and the only real stop on the muddy main road going through the village. The shop had a wooden sign nailed above the door, "Taisha Village Detective Office," with thick yellow block letters going up and down in a zig-zagging line. It didn't really stick out, because the whole house was just a dirty wooden box with barely enough space to have a small, one room shop in it.

"Alright. Lets begin working." Kakashi said and stepped towards the door.

Wait a moment. Just how did Team 7 end up in a village like this anyways?

Lets backtrack exactly two years, five months, one week, and four days into the past.

Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, and everyone lived "peacefully" in the post-war Leaf with Tsunade coordinating the rebuilding. Then, all of a sudden, the skies started raining meteors -- Meteors, which completely annihilated the Hidden Leaf village. Later it was discovered that all the hidden ninja villages around the world were utterly and completely wiped out that very moment. Every time anyone tried to build a new hidden ninja village, it was immediately bombarded to ashes by giant meteors falling from the sky, without any kind of reasonable explanation for it.

To find out about the reason for that, we need to backtrack five more minutes, and turn the focus to a certain inn back on the other side of Cloud Country.

_A young male, about twenty to twenty-five years old, sat at the counter of a countryside inn's small restaurant, and drank beer with a heavy hand in the middle of the day. He was pretty much wasted already, prattling to the waitresses and mumbling obscenities to the bartender, but still kept on downing the beers steadily._

_Some days later he told people, "I was so drunk I thought I was seeing things, so I didn't really care either way. When this stupid looking idiot wearing a propeller hat and lots of smoke foaming around him asked me for what I wished, I just let my anger flow. I yanked at the guy for about five minutes about the unfairness of ninja life and how they didn't let me have my little drinks every now and then, how they kicked me out of the Hidden Cloud village, and then said that all of them ninja villages should just be wiped out, never to return. He looked at me weird and just said 'OK' before disappearing with a pop. Next thing I know an earthquake or something tries to crash the whole damn building down. I mean, sheesh, I spilled my beer and all."_

He was promptly burned at the stakes after this admission.

One important question remains from the story of the drunk ninja, now already a common urban legend around the world... Just who was that 'stupid looking idiot in a propeller hat with lots of smoke foaming around him' ?

To this day, almost two and half years later, no one knows. Maybe. Wild guesses and crazy rumours spread like wildfire, modern ghost stories are suddenly a fashion boom like nothing seen before.

Kakashi turned around and stared back at his three students with his uncovered right eye. It was a completely blank, white eye.

Oh yes-- I forgot to mention. Kakashi got a Byakugan eye on his right eye socket, while the left one was still a Sharingan. He had the Byakugan somehow mysteriously plugged into his head at some unknown point during the last two years - most likely worth another corny flashback or two. That's why there's no need to turn his head to look at people anymore, but it's too difficult for others to follow the focus of his attention that way.

"It looks just plain creepy, no way around it. Everyone thinks he's a poor blind man, too." Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura thought in unison, and mentally nodded affirmatives to themselves.

They hadn't lost any of their respect to the sometimes-lazy sensei, but they did build up a new kind of fear towards the all-seeing eye. He kept track of every single thing happening in the house from anywhere, and grudgingly agreed exclude Sakura from his field of vision only after she got repeatedly freaked out from going to the shower or the toilet. His argument was that it wasn't such a big deal anyways, really, since he could just stare through her clothes if he so willed. Naturally he was more interested in his book, no? It wasn't like he was THAT perverted… No, wait. Lets not go there.

Naruto and Sasuke hadn't had the courage to bring up the issue so far.

"How long are you going to just stand there?" Kakashi asked without moving a single muscle from his face. He'd make a master ventriloquist with these feats. The four of them then entered in and opened the jolly office.

"Taisha Village Detective Office: Open and accepting jobs. We Solve Your Troubles!" had been written on the second wooden sign with the same yellow block letters going up and down in varying shapes and sizes. Sakura hanged it on the window, and everything calmed down.

Several hours rolled by quietly.

---

Now, after the ninja villages had been wiped out and new ninja villages always got briefly terminated, all of the shinobi of the world still had to live somewhere. For a few months after the incident normal civilians avoided the shinobi like the plague, but nothing happened even after they entered normal villages. The village was instantly bombarded only after they begun refitting it into a hidden ninja village. The limit had been tested repeatedly, and it went somewhere between a Ninja Academy and the mission office. Afterwards all countries that had ninja villages assigned smaller teams to different villages around the countries and strictly forbade them from opening an academy for teaching skills or a mission office for accepting jobs, and advised them to generally avoid building any ninja facilities at all in the villages.

The Hidden Sand didn't like this idea at all, because their "villages" were mostly mines buried under a mile of sand around the year. Their opinion hadn't progressed noticeably during the past two years.

Kakashi of course knew of the limit experimentations, and then opened just a small detective office - as his own little experiment, which had so far passed by unnoticed from the destructive meteor showers. They also had been able to train in peace with the four of them for all this time, though they do their team training several meters away from the village welcoming sign. No one was complaining about anything, either.

Anyways.

Team 7 passed time idly. Sakura always read her books; she borrowed them from various people and returned them very quickly because of the large amount of free time they had on their hands. Naruto and Sasuke mostly did various Chakra exercises in and out of the house, and Kakashi read Come Come Paradise. Currently Naruto and Sasuke attempted to complete a Chakra control exercise, which included holding a feather in front of a fan blowing air at full steam, and using Chakra to make the feather stay put for five minutes.

Earlier they quit another control test, where the idea was to sit on a chair, then use Chakra to stick the butt to the chair and the chair to the wall, and then sit on it, facing the floor. for the same five minutes. Training could be done facing upwards too, but that didn't count for passing. Not to mention the Chakra control exercise where they had to build a tiny house from a mountain of ear plugs, using Chakra to keep it from collapsing. Or the one where they had to brush their teeth with a toothbrush made from Chakra, followed by the one where they had to apply Chakra to the stopped fan and use it to blow a pile of papers off from the table, and took neighboring dogs out for a walk with Chakra collars, and opened beer bottles with Chakra bottle openers, and cooked noodles with Chakra fire, and beat their heads against the walls with Chakra cushions, and then they finally used Chakra to pick their nose... well, Sakura naturally completed all excercises on her first try, but the boys were still going at them. Needless to say they had grown infinitely stronger from all this harsh training.

Suddenly the door opened.

"Hellooo..." came a greeting from the door. An old, grey-haired man with little round glasses, some dirty green robes and a pair of sandals stood there leaning on his cane. Sakura glanced up from her book "Combinatorial Chakra Theory".

"Good day, Inmon-san." She greeted him back with a smile, and then turned to her studies.

"Yo. Come on in", quipped Kakashi and waved at a chair.

Naruto and Sasuke were too distracted trying to beat each other in the head with a feather to noticed. The old man took a few slow steps into the wooden box house. He leaned heavily on his walking cane on every step.

"Are youuu.. Busy rite now?" asked the old man, as he made his wobbly way over to the table.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the two arguing boys, and answered, "Nope. It's another quiet day with no jobs to do..."

---

In the year 149 of the star system NUT-33Z a great disaster fell upon the local squirrel population. Invaders from outer space came in, and… Well, invaded the planet. The attackers were a race of idiots, and so tiny that the squirrels didn't at first even notice that they had just lost a war (or even been in one).

After the squirrels realized that someone had been attacking them for a while already, they organized a counterattack. The squirrels used the Nuts of the Higher State of Squirrelness, an ancient artifact, which was a seven-piece magical device. When the parts were gathered together, the device summoned the Great Spirit of the Squirrel to grant a single wish.

_As the squirrels prepared to wish to drive the idiots away, one of them managed to smuggle himself into the house with the Great Spirit of the Squirrel. What really happened was that the idiot had just gone to sleep inside the hat of a squirrel officer, and now woke up to the great bellowing of "WHAT... IS THY WISH?"_

_A humongous blurry squirrel wearing only military issue swimwear hovered in the air above them, arms crossed and eyes shut._

_As the squirrels debated over the exact wording for the wish, the idiot replied, "I wish that the idiots, who are us and me included, but not the others over there in their furry suits, like those over there in this room, would... Hmm I dunno..."_

_The squirrels realized what was about to happen right in front of their eyes, and dashed for the hat, flying through the air in slow-motion._

_"I have a wish..." The squirrels dived ever so slowly towards him._

_"That one day idiots would become..." Dead silence fell to the room. The squirrels tried to fly towards the idiot, but the distance was too much._

_"...Very very, very powerful!" the idiot completed the wish._

_"YOU... WISH!" the spirit answered._

_"Eh?" everyone asked, most of them with their mouths open and a look of disbelief etched on their faces. Something went terribly wrong here. It wasn't supposed to go like this at all..._

_"I'M... SURE WE CAN FORGE A NICE DEAL OUT OF THIS MESS, D'YA RECKON MATE?"_

And thus it eventually happened that the idiots eventually became very very, very powerful. The single idiot beat up all the five ninja squirrels in a flash - And it used to take fifty idiots just to annoy a single squirrel. Thus the tides of war turned around very suddenly and forcibly.

After the wish was granted, the device pieces broke up and transformed into ovens, fridges, chairs, tables, lamps, toasters, and other random furniture for one year, and were immediately magically sent away unnoticed, to be sold in auctions around the world. They would just suddenly turn into magical device pieces one day a year from now, which would undoubtedly piss off everyone who bought these items for daily use.

---

At this point it should be noted, that the 'stupid looking idiot in a propeller hat with lots of smoke foaming around him' in fact wasn't the Great Spirit of the Squirrel, but the Ghost of the Great Squirrel Lord. That's another spirit completely. It's impossible to say why he would wear a propeller hat though. It might also be that the drunkard had imagined this on his own.

Anyways this was the start to a great adventure. Bai bai for now


	2. We R baboon!

I want to say the same thing again as in the last chapter. DON'T PANIC!  
  
If you note something 'loaned' from somewhere, that's good. I'm definitely not going to tell where I loaned what things from.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and I don't really know if I want to own this fic either. Lets just keep it free to the world to read, no?  
  
And yay, there were reviews for the previous chapter. *dances with reviews* Waii~!  
  
----  
  
Naruto woke up in a dark, weird place. Actually it was completely pitch-black, and there wasn't much room to move in either. Everything kept oddly swinging back and forth as he shifted about in search of information about his weird surroundings. Luckily he popped his head out from an opening and took a good look on what was happening outside. It seems Naruto woke up inside a cloth bag, which had been tied to a branch high up an old brown tree.  
  
A summer view of a hillside grass field greeted Naruto. He noted some trees and rocks scattered around the field, but no signs of roads, paths, or villages. Two squirrels stood on the branch Naruto hung from. He noted the female one was Reisheru, an old scientist squirrel friend of Naruto's. A small and pretty much emotionless squirrel, but she was also always very serious about her duties. The actual things that went on in her little head had always been a complete mystery to Naruto.   
  
The second squirrel was Dekkaado, whom Naruto had met on the Nut Appreciation Committee Annual Summer Camp some years back. Dekkaado was a tall and muscular squirrel at bit over thirteen inches, who appreciated good nuts above most other things. The squirrel wore a long black leather jacket, black trousers, black sunglasses, and black leather boots. His line of work can be described as "destroyer of unwanted nut-born beings", or nuttificial creations, or Nutticants as they were also called. He was a squirrel living a dangerous and lonely life.  
  
"Do you like our owl?" Reisheru turned her head slightly to query Dekkaado. Her voice was soft but emotionless, slowly and steadily flowing onwards. She held a dark brown inanimate owl in her hands, and turned her eyes back to examine its smoothly carved skin layers over and over again -- To try and spot any previously missed signs of imperfection.  
  
"Is it nuttificial?" Dekkaado finally returned the question to Reisheru. His voice was a low coughing baritone, probably developed over the years with large amounts of cigarettes and whiskey.   
  
"Of course it is", she replied, articulating every word clearly.  
  
"Must be expensive", Dekkaado quickly added. He walked over to lean against the tree trunk.  
  
Reisheru placed the nut owl down on the branch, and gave a glance at Dekkaado's settled figure.  
  
"Very", she replied, and paused for an extra half a heartbeat before continuing, "I'm Reisheru."  
  
"Dekkaado", he simply answered, and suddenly looked very '_cool_' in the almost-men-in-black outfit. The '_coolness_' faded away quite promptly though, and Naruto made a mental note of it. He'd have to remind Dekkaado later.  
  
Reisheru lighted up a dark brown cigarette with her golden Zippo, and dragged a long puff out. She made a few smoke rings, and surprisingly also a smoke squirrel after some concentrating.  
  
"It seems you feel our work is not a benefit to the squirrel public", she then slowly said, and gestured ever so faintly towards Dekkaado with her right eyebrow.  
  
"Nutticants are like any other machines. They're either a benefit or a hazard", he replied and crossed his arms. Dekkaado raised his eyes from the floor panels of the branch, and looked at Reisheru without any particular expression of emotion.  
  
"If they're a benefit, it's not my problem", he decided to elaborate. Reisheru looked down for a brief moment.  
  
Dekkaado wondered what she was getting at.  
  
"May I ask you a personal question?" She asked after a few seconds of pause.  
  
"Sure."   
  
"Have you ever eaten a nut by mistake?" She worded slowly again, apparently working on something concerning Dekkaado on a larger scale.  
  
"No."  
  
"But in your position that is a risk", Reisheru pressed on, this time in a slightly accusing voice, which made Dekkaado just plain suspicious.  
  
Another voice interrupted the two from a higher branch.  
  
"Is this to be an empathy test?" A male squirrel in his forties of fifties jumped in sight few branches above Reisheru and Dekkaado. Naruto didn't recognize him.  
  
"Nutty dilation of the so called _blush response_." He jumped down a second branch.  
  
"...Fluctuation of the... Nuts," he said and hopped to the branch just above Dekkaado and Reisheru.  
  
"Involuntary dilation of the iris", he continued and stood on the higher branch.  
  
"We call it Voight-Nut-Kampf for short", Dekkaado replied.  
  
"Mr. Dekkaado. Mr. Eruden Taireeru", Reisheru introduced the gentlemen to each other with her soft voice.  
  
"Demonstrate it. I want to see it go nuts", Taireeru watched Dekkaado with a definite hungry look. Reisheru quietly took a small step back.  
  
"Where's the subject?" Dekkaado asked in return, not sure of exactly what the two expected of him.  
  
"I want to see it work on a squirrel", he answered. Taireeru took a few steps along the branch, and put his arms behind his back.  
  
"I want to see a negative before I provide you with a positive", he then said to Dekkaado.  
  
"What's that gonna prove?" Dekkaado asked from Taireeru.  
  
"Indulge me", Taireeru couldn't hide a small grin creeping up to his face.  
  
"On you?" Dekkaado asked curiously.  
  
"Try her." Taireeru answered, and nodded slightly at Reisheru.  
  
Dekkaado took a few steps back, and glanced at Taireeru once more before turning towards Reisheru. She looked back at him totally void of any emotion. He took out a fishing pole, placed a nut worm on the hook, and threw the lure in front of Reisheru. She drooled at the bait hungrily.  
  
"Well I had a dream..." she worded slowly. She took a step towards the worm.  
  
"And in it I went to a little town..." She walked another step closer.  
  
"And all the girls in town were named Betty..." Reisheru worded slowly, and inched her way closer.  
  
"And they were singing... "  
  
She stopped right in front of the lure, and turned her saddened face towards the skies.  
  
"Doo doo doo doo doo..."  
  
"What?" Naruto asked.  
  
"Should have guessed..." Dekkaado muttered.  
  
She jumped at the lure.  
  
Dekkaado pulled the trigger. Naruto saw nothing but blinding white light.   
  
Everyone flew through the air in a grand explosion.  
  
----  
  
"Wake up, you idiot."  
  
"Huh?" Naruto mumbled. He opened his eyes a little and let a tired glance float around the room. He yawned mightily.  
  
Sasuke waved a feather in front of him, "Your the last one who can't even keep a feather still."  
  
He smirked briefly at the blonde boy, "Dobe."   
  
Naruto twitched an eyebrow, and pointed a finger at Sasuke.  
  
"What did you say?" He shouted back with a pissed-off voice.  
  
Sasuke grinned and pointed the feather straight at Naruto.  
  
"Heh. Dobe."  
  
Naruto charged at him.  
  
Kakashi appeared between the two boys, still reading his orange book.  
  
Naruto didn't stop.  
  
----  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Kakashi asked the old man.  
  
"Nooo… Noothing much…" Inmon replied.  
  
"I see, I see."  
  
"=D"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Whassat?"  
  
"Nothing." Kakashi concluded, and looked around with the white eye.  
  
"Naruto, call your Kage Bunshins back, and lets get going."  
  
Naruto lay on the floor unconscious.  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
Sakura walked up to the window and peeked out. She formed a frown at the three Narutos there. They pointed fingers at each other and explained something quite furiously all at once.  
  
Naruto snored on the floor, still unconscious. Right next to Sasuke, who was unconscious as well.  
  
----  
  
"Damn you, bastard idiot!!"  
  
"Like you're one to speak, dead last."  
  
About an hour later Naruto and Sasuke sat on the tiny porch outside the box-shaped office with some plaster pressed over their hair.  
  
Kakashi and Sakura walked out from the building. Sakura locked the door after them.  
  
The summer sky was blue with a few clouds here and there -- The typical Fire Country weather. Naruto didn't think there had been any other kind of weather ever in the whole country.  
  
"Oh yeah, except it did rain once when 3rd Hokage was buried..." Naruto pondered in his head.  
  
"Cooled down? Lets get going... Now", Kakashi said to them.  
  
"Lets get going... Where?" Naruto asked.   
  
Sasuke stood up and dusted some extra dirt off his shoulders.  
  
"Lets get going... To a job", Kakashi noted.  
  
"Lets get going... Then", Naruto added sitting on the porch.  
  
"Yeah!! Mission time!!" Naruto added from the doorway.  
  
Kakashi kept his profile looking at the road with a serious face, but he actually his eye checked the sky. Nothing special happened at the mention of the word 'mission', though. Kakashi begun adding new paragraphs to his mental notes.  
  
"Lets get going... Already!!" Naruto added from a nearby tree.  
  
"Umm, Naruto..." Sakura said.  
  
"What?" he asked from the porch and the doorway and the nearby tree. One Naruto hopped on the roof and didn't listen to what they were talking about on the street.  
  
"Why have you cloned yourself, dobe." Sasuke pointed out. The three of them looked at him curiously. The clones looked at him curiously too.  
  
"Well..." Naruto begun. He had crossed his arms and made one of those all-important faces.  
  
"Heh!! It's official now!" The clone in the tree said.  
  
"The KBLF treaty gives us some rights too!! I'm gonna go and eat a bunch of ramen!" The other clone added.  
  
"The KBLF?" Kakashi suddenly queried.  
  
"The Kage Bunshin Liberation Front", the clone from the doorway said with a proud voice.  
  
Naruto just sat on the porch wearing the 'stupid face'. You know, the 'stupid face'. All right-o.  
  
"Yeah! He signed a treaty, which gives some human rights to us shadow clones!"  
  
"We are bored of only being used in sacrifice missions and never getting any ramen in return!"  
  
"We demand ramen and freedom, and we got them!"  
  
Naruto just bit his lip.  
  
"We rock!"  
  
Sasuke and Sakura made stupefied faces. Kakashi looked down and shook his head a little.  
  
"They offered me RAMEN for it! How could I say no to ramen..." Naruto sniffed.  
  
"Gimme money, niichan", one of the clones tugged Naruto's sleeve.  
  
"Shut up!! Lets get going... To the mission!" Naruto tried to exclaim as he rose up fist in the air.  
  
"Naruto..." Kakashi said.  
  
"What?" The three Narutos asked.  
  
"..."  
  
Sakura and Sasuke picked up their rations and other equipment from the other end of the porch.  
  
"You probably realize now why Kage Bunshin is a forbidden technique", Kakashi chuckled at him.  
  
----  
  
Few hours later Team 7 walked on the highway road. Naruto gave his clones some food money and left them at the 'The Nice Old Lady', who was the number one source for delicious ramen in Taisha village. He also exploded once on the road, when he realized that the 'The Nice Old Lady' doesn't ask any money for her ramen.  
  
"Oh well", Sakura said as they walked onward.  
  
"Keep your clones in line next time, dobe", Sasuke taunted Naruto.  
  
"You're being obnoxious!!!!!!" he replied, much to everyone's surprise. Kakashi aimed his raised eyebrow at Naruto.  
  
"Anyways where the heck are we going?" Naruto asked and grabbed the back of his head with his hands. The group walked on.  
  
"We had a little chat while you two snored on the floor", Kakashi answered. Sasuke turned his head immediately at the Jounin. He was worried about the snoring part, poor kid. Kakashi's face looked like he read Come Come Paradise very intently (which he did), but actually Kakashi kept an eye on everything. It was pretty much an impossible task to assault such a radar vision, which also tears Genjutsu apart just as easily as others see light and darkness.  
  
The three Genin had learned to appreciate more and more of their sensei's skills as they themselves grew stronger. For now he just giggled at some dirty pictures, though.  
  
"It seems Inmon-san has lost his glasses", Sakura continued as Kakashi seemed to quickly lose interest in the conversation.  
  
"Huh? He had his glasses on when he came in", Sasuke pointed out.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, can't we go and say we found them on his head? Is the reward worth lots of ramen again?" Naruto said and grinned.  
  
"This is slightly more serious matter than that. Those glasses..." Sakura begun.  
  
She turned her face to Naruto and Sasuke, who walked behind her and Kakashi.  
  
"...Well, I dunno", she finished.  
  
"I see, I see..." Naruto said.  
  
"Huh?" Sasuke said.  
  
"Yeah", Sakura nodded.  
  
"Ok..." Sasuke shook his head slightly.  
  
"Oh, hiya everyone", Kakashi said as he shut the book, and brushed his hair offhandedly. Anyone could see the blush he tried to hide behind the dark blue facemask.  
  
The group walked onward.  
  
"Did you know that Inmon means pubic hair?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Who said that?"  
  
----  
  
Team 7 had stopped for dinner at the roadside forest.  
  
"So when will you explain the mission to us, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked from Kakashi, and slurped up some ramen noodles.  
  
"Well guess I have to tell you guys", he answered and turned a page from his Come Come Paradise. His eyes widened for a brief moment.  
  
Everyone waited for the explanation.  
  
After a few minutes of eating sounds (mainly from Naruto and his noodles), Kakashi turned the page again.  
  
"So will you explain the mission to us now, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked from him again.  
  
Kakashi tore his eyes from the orange book and said grimly, "Sorry, I got distracted for a moment."  
  
Then he turned the page from the orange book.  
  
Naruto finished his dinner and asked, "How about now?"  
  
"Umm. Hello Naruto", Kakashi answered.  
  
"The mission?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Silence ensued. The three Genin looked pretty bored. Kakashi turned a page.  
  
The sun begun to set already, and it would be soon time to camp for the night.  
  
"Kakashi-sensei", Sakura tried.  
  
"Yes, Sakura?"  
  
"Will you tell us about the mission?"  
  
Kakashi made a grim face.  
  
"Yes, I guess it has to be done."  
  
The three Genin suddenly looked very attentive.  
  
Kakashi turned the page from his book after a few minutes.  
  
This had gone on for the whole day and evening by now.  
  
"Mwahaha hahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahaahahaa haaaaa!! Ha!!"  
  
"Wow. What the heck was that?" Naruto asked.  
  
An eerie breeze tingled the skin, and the air seemed to cool down.  
  
Sasuke skipped up a nearby tree and tried to locate the source of the laughter.  
  
"HAHahahAHAHHAHAHAAHAH!!!!" The sound laughed again.  
  
"How dare this laugher interrupt my reading of Come Come Paradise?" Kakashi said and concentrated Chakra into his white eye.  
  
"Follow me", Kakashi quickly said and jumped off towards a nearby tree. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura followed suit.  
  
The four of them ran through the trees for a short sprint, until Kakashi waved towards the ground.  
  
They stopped on a small forest opening.  
  
A dark figure stood on the other end.  
  
"Haa.. Hah!" The figure chuckled.  
  
"Who the heck are you?" Naruto demanded from the figure.  
  
"Haaaaaa... I am... Hmmm?" The figure said with a low, but most likely female voice.  
  
"What?" Sasuke asked.  
  
"You are... Copy Ninja Kakashi."  
  
"And you are?" Kakashi replied.  
  
"I am your death. You all shall be punished for killing my cousin!"  
  
"I'd like to see you try..." Sakura snarled at the figure and held a kunai pointed ready for attack. She had learned at least something during the past years, I think.  
  
"Formation one. Lets go", Kakashi said and jumped off. The three Genin popped out from sight as well.  
  
The figure ran towards the spot where they stood a second ago, and generated a huge amount of seals very swiftly.  
  
"Hah, one slow-poke down. Ahou Henge no Jutsu!" She aimed the Jutsu at Naruto, who was engulfed in a cloud of smoke.  
  
"Dammit", Kakashi thought, and swooped in at the figure. The dark figure threw the cloak away, revealing a young girl little older than the three Genin. She had blue hair with green and red and yellow stripes, and golden blinking eyes in a godly beautiful perfect freaking face. She wore a pearl white ninja wedding gown, which had sparkling diamonds and rubies embedded all over into it.  
  
Sasuke came in from the left and threw a right punch at her, which the girl blocked easily with her hands. Sasuke still twisted his body around in the air and connected a good kick to her ribs.  
  
Her whole upper body blew away in a watery splash. The rest of the wedding gown melted away to the ground.  
  
"Mizu Bunshin?" Kakashi pondered. A shadowy figure flashed on his far right.  
  
"Sakura. Formation five", Kakashi said quickly before dashing from branch to branch after branch, in hot pursuit of the runaway assaulter.  
  
Sakura jumped from the ground to well above treetops in a quick pink flash.  
  
"Chie..." Sasuke muttered on the ground. She was most likely going to get all the good parts this time.   
  
"What happened to that Naruto idiot though...?" He pondered and walked over to the remnants of a smoke cloud. Naruto's clothes were left there in a messy pile, but the dude himself was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Chu.. Chu..." a small voice interrupted Sasuke's examination of Naruto's clothing. It came from below the cloth pile.  
  
"CHUU!" a small orange thing yelled when it got free from under Naruto's clothes.  
  
"What the...?"  
  
"Chu? It's me, you bastard-chu!!"  
  
"It's you?"  
  
"Yes-chu!!"  
  
"Chu...?"  
  
"CHUU!!"  
  
Sasuke sighed quietly.  
  
"Naruchu!!"  
  
"Naruchu?"  
  
"The lightning based house-working maid hamster-chu!!"  
  
"Are you drunk or something?"  
  
"What did you say-chu!!"  
  
"Damn-chu!!"  
----  
  
Sakura slid in the air over the treetops, and tried to locate where Kakashi was.  
  
A flash of Chakra on the ground level caught her attention. She folded her wings slightly and dived in.  
  
"Faiarii~!!" She yelled, and swung her magic wand down in a large arc. A decently sized fireball erupted from the wand and shot violently at the Chakra target mark placed by Kakashi.  
  
----  
  
How will things develop on from here ?!?!?  
  
Who is the mysterious blue-green-red-yellow-haired lady ?!?!?!  
  
Did the Ahou Henge no Jutsu do irreversible damage to Naruto ?!?!?  
  
Is Naruchu cuter than Naruto ?!?!?  
  
What are the extents of Sakura's new powers !??!?!  
  
Many interesting questions !! Many, many stupid answers !!! See you next time !!! Bye !!!  



	3. Divine Moments of Truth

Authors note: Hmmmmmmmmm.... DON'T PANIC! CHU!  
  
*pokes Death Boo with milk and cookies*  
  
Thanks for saying anything about the fic-chu. =P  
  
It's a double length chapter to avoid a second cliffie in the same fight-chu!  
  
----  
  
_Sakura slid in the air over the treetops, and tried to locate where Kakashi was.  
  
A flash of Chakra on the ground level caught her attention. She folded her wings slightly and dived in.  
  
"Faiarii~!!" She yelled, and swung her magic wand down in a large arc. A decently sized fireball erupted from the wand and shot violently at the Chakra target mark placed by Kakashi.  
_   
----  
  
"Crap."  
  
Kakashi dashed away from the flames raining from the sky, and tried to outflank the enemy ninja. Sakura's bombardment crashed through the higher branches and rained heavily around the area where Kakashi last spotted her.  
  
As expected, Kakashi's heightened Byakugan vision quickly spotted the struggling kunoichi skipping between the trees as the flaming distraction intensified. She didn't stop moving though, and quickly gained back height and speed.  
  
He checked around the surroundings quickly, but couldn't see either Sasuke or Naruto at the immediate danger zone. Kakashi flicked through several seals, and shot another Chakra mark at the enemy. He quickly extended his distance to her to about two hundred feet.  
  
Sakura saw the second mark just below her, this time a green target.  
  
"Uhh", she grunted.  
  
Sakura drew a card from her pocket, and tapped it lightly with the pink magic wand.  
  
"Uindii~!" Sakura shouted and gestured downwards with the wand. A swarm of wind blades slashed at the target - Instantly ripping dozens of treetops into small splinters and strips of leaves.  
  
Kakashi watched the female ninja struggle even more from a safe distance. The slashing air blades rained heavily down on her, forcing the girl to just concentrate on living instead of staying hidden.  
  
She suddenly dropped several feet towards the ground, and finally stopped on a low branch. Kakashi signalled to Sakura again, and quickly prepared another concealment Jutsu. He switched the ninja forehead protector over to cover his Byakugan eye, uncovering the Sharingan eye. He sighed as he knew what was coming.  
  
Something stabbed Kakashi in the head. Like a kunai thrust right through the head. He almost keeled over, but then stopped into a crouching mess, holding his stomach with the right hand and leaning with his left hand against the tree. He spat out some stomach acid and turned his head up.  
  
"Guuuh..." he let a sound slip out from his lips. Kakashi grabbed his face around the left eye and gripped hard. Changing the bloodline eye like this was really too painful for him. Kakashi had to quickly pump some heavy Chakra into the Sharingan eye to at least stabilize the new vision a little.  
  
After a short moment he could start to see again with the familiar Sharingan "strategist vision" as he also liked to call it. See the world as a chess game where you predict and count some of the possible moves ahead, quickly identify the reasons for every action, and also decide the best course of action. The insightful vision where you create a future. Well, more accurately _would create_, if he had some Uchiha blood in him...  
  
Kakashi pushed the invading thoughts away with the pain. There was no mistake in his insight: The girl was wounded and trapped for good. Her strength was already visibly pouring out of her bleeding side. Kakashi gritted his teeth rather forcefully and stood up, but the facemask did a good job in concealing most signs of weakness. He forced the visible part of his face into a relaxed state and brushed up the drooping grey hairs.  
  
Sakura released her Jutsu, causing the wings on her back to disappear in a puff of smoke, and landed on her knees on a branch just behind Kakashi. She panted hard in a slumped, half-sitting position.  
  
"Wait here", he murmured through the throbbing pain and dashed in. She had used several heavy Jutsu, and wasn't too confident in her stamina to begin with. Kakashi had to finish this fight on his own now.  
  
Sakura made a pained face, and pushed herself on to another attack. Though it didn't do any good, only made her drop all the way to the ground. That wasn't necessarily a good thing either, as it knocked the breath completely out of Sakura. She gagged on the ground and cursed herself.  
  
----  
  
Kakashi stood on a branch at about fifteen feet above ground level, and stared at the hostile kunoichi catching her breath on another branch. She flicked her blue-green-red-yellow-coloured hair over casually, and grabbed her right arm with her left hand. It had been stabbed, most likely during Sakura's wind attack, and was bleeding readily. The red blood smeared all over her white flashy gown, and the expensive diamonds decorating it.  
  
"Time to give up. Who are you and why did you attack us?"  
  
The girl hissed at Kakashi, and checked for a way out. She was just about to skip up the branches along the only feasible escape route, as she noticed a dark figure standing further ahead ready to intercept her. It was someone who held a small animal in their hands.  
  
"You aren't going anywhere", the figure pointed out with a mellow voice, and jumped closer.  
  
"Sasuke. How's Naruto?" Kakashi asked.  
  
"Well, as you can see..." Sasuke held Naruchu in his hands.  
  
"I'm completely fine-chu!!"  
  
"The dobe's pretty much screwed."  
  
"Shut up-chu!"  
  
Kakashi glanced downwards and shook his head a little.   
  
"Ahou Henge no Jutsu? Really..." Kakashi thought to himself.  
  
Sakura limped in to complete the surrounding formation.  
  
"Sakura-chun!!" Naruchu squeaked.  
  
"Are you ok-chu?"  
  
"Naruto...? Is that you?"  
  
"Of course it's me-chu!"  
  
"HAhahhahahaHAHAha!!" the blue-green-red-yellow-haired girl suddenly laughed.  
  
"It seems everyone has finally made their way here, so we can proceed on with exterminating you all", she boasted with a menacing grin, and let go of her bleeding right arm. She formed several seals with the left hand quickly.  
  
"One-handed seals? I think we've seen something like this before..." Kakashi pondered.  
  
His predictions were confirmed immediately, as ice begun to form at a very large scale around the four of them.  
  
"Hijutsu, Demonic Ice Mirrors!" She shrieked and dropped down to her knees.  
  
"For Haku's sake, I will kill you all..."  
  
----   
  
The crash of water forced into instant freezing, the constant loud noise of icy mirrors building up suddenly died down. Everyone was already inside the giant ice globe. The Leaf nins checked for any signs of weakness, but didn't really find anything glaring. Sasuke noted the difference in the amount of ice used for the Jutsu.  
  
  
"The mirrors made by that girly boy had large gaps between them, but these are built right onto each other..." he pondered and frowned slightly on the outside.  
  
  
"Heh heh heh heh..." the unidentified kunoichi chuckled.  
  
  
"Haku-chan used a severely incomplete version of this Jutsu... But he did very well to discover it on his own. I gathered up his whole story from the Hidden Mist village and the Wave Country... Each and every part of the sad, painful story you bastards left waiting for me... At the end of all those years of desperate searching..."   
  
"Takki-oneesan will get your revenge... Yes..." she sighed contently.   
  
Sasuke threw a kunai at her, but it just idly flew through her. The girl's image blurred and then disappeared.   
  
"You should know this Jutsu at least better than that..." the reflections of her said from all over the mirrors.   
  
"Kyouji Takyoku will now punish you, in the name of the moonlight reflection..."   
  
"Witness the FULL POWER of the Demonic Ice Mirrors...!!!" Takyoku cackled from the mirrors as she threw her beautiful head back. The right side of her gown had become completely red from all the blood by now, and was slowly forming a puddle on the ground beside her.   
  
Sasuke tensed up. He still remembered how it went last time, taking a long time before he could even get used to the speed.   
  
"But I'm different now", Sasuke resolutely confirmed in his head, and locked his Sharingan eyes on the woman.   
  
"The full power of this Jutsu isn't speed, but something completely different..." She wheezed a little, and formed some seals.   
  
Smaller mirrors appeared inside the globe, and each of the Team seven ninjas saw several reflections of themselves everywhere.   
  
Sasuke saw the deep red Sharingan eyes staring back at him intently from the mirrors. Jaw-length hair framed his firm but smooth, angel-like features.   
  
The bright light sparkled from Naruchu's golden orange fur. If he leaned over to a good attacking pose, the resulting image got his stomach full of butterflies.   
  
"Hmmm-chu... I never realized hamsters were this cool-chu..."   
  
Sakura admired the long pink hair tied up and flooding down her sweet face, and further along the not-so-flat-chested-anymore body. Even the large forehead seemed mysteriously romantic tonight.   
  
Kakashi looked at his _manly chin_ in the reflection, which shaped up to a beautiful nondescript coolness surrounding the air around him.   
  
"What a devious Jutsu..." Kakashi muttered as he shook himself out of it.   
  
"That's correct, Copy Ninja-kun. This Genjutsu takes advantage of our environment at a much deeper level than your power has ever the chance to really influence in. We are inside a fiction, and mirrors are the absolutely most horrifying thing you will ever see happening in them!! HAHahahahHAHAhaha!!"   
  
Kakashi was about to argue back, and point out male pregnancy, but instead he kept on searching for anything to save them.   
  
"HAHahHAAHAhHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHhahahAHAhahAHahhahAHAhHHAah!!!"   
  
"AHhaAHHAhaahHHAHAhaHahHAHAhaahAHAHAHaahhHA!!"   
  
"AHahaHHAhahHAHahahHAHHahahahAHaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"   
  
"Ok, that's just about enough laughing for today", Sasuke said to the images of Takyoku.   
  
"If you didn't yet find out what destroyed this Jutsu the last time, let me show you!" He booted up the Sharingan eyes, and begun to roll the three dots frantically around and around in his eyes.   
  
"I don't think it was you-chu..." Naruchu muttered to himself.   
  
"Sharingan!" He mentally shouted, and performed a large amount of seals.   
  
"This is a fitting end for you, freak", Sasuke hissed from between his teeth and finished the Jutsu. Takyoku widened her eyes briefly, and then just smirked.   
  
"Ahou Henge no Jutsu!"   
  
Kakashi saw the amount of Chakra Sasuke was using for the Jutsu, but didn't really have time to react any longer.   
  
"Damn", he muttered quietly, and watched what was about to happen.   
  
The first mirror in front of Sasuke reflected the Jutsu right back at him. Upon landing it covered him in a thick cloud of smoke.   
  
Naruchu fell squealing down to the ground after Sasuke disappeared into the smoke.   
  
"Yare yare... Ahou Henge indeed... Heheh... Heh..." the girl chuckled. She shifted over to press the wound on her right side again. Her sparkling white gown was totally drenched in red blood, but the golden blinking disco eyes still glared steel-hard at them.   
  
"Ehehe... I haven't had a fight this funny in a long, long time..." Takyoku continued, and formed a pained grin on her face.   
  
Sakura still admired her own curves and pink hair from the smaller mirrors. She placed her left hand to her hips and slightly wiggled them sideways, liking what she saw from the dozens of different reflection angles.   
  
Kakashi looked over his shoulder. A beautifully handsome face masked man stared right back at him. How tempting it was just to forget the stupid fighting and keep on admiring the mirror images... The mirror images calling for his attention...   
  
How thrillingly dangerous situation were they in...   
  
----  
  
*** Joins: hattuteline  
*** Topic is: "#Naruto -- We like it slow! And with double issues! If someone sees Jiraiya, tell him to pm Tsunade immediately!!"  
*** Channel Modes: +nstik oro-chan  
*** Names #Naruto: iamweasel^away @Princess pinkyhead|Lunch +Silver echizen ramen^2 Avenger|Shower Sandwich hattuteline  
(ramen^2) ...  
(ramen^2) who the heck are you?   
(ramen^2) only naruto characters can join in here..  
(hattuteline) i'm the narrator.  
(ramen^2) what?  
(+Silver) now this is certainly interesting...  
(ramen^2) you are kidding me, aren't you?  
(hattuteline) no kidding involved.  
(echizen) -__-  
(ramen^2) ok, whatever. nice weather. what do we have for lunch today?  
(echizen) something other than ramen  
(ramen^2) i vote against that!  
*** Quits: Sandwich (hungry for death)  
(ramen^2) everyone has their right to eat ramen every day  
*** Joins: ChildMolester  
* Chanserv sets mode: +v ChildMolester  
(@Princess) I wonder what happens if I kick the narrator.  
(ramen^2) ramen is good for your body and mind  
(+ChildMolester) Sasuke-kun...  
(+Silver) Princess, we are left in a world where we can live as we like?  
*** Parts: iamweasel^away ()  
(ramen^2) i don't really understand this narrator thing...  
*** Quits: Avenger|Shower (Connection reset by peer)  
(hattuteline) you can't kick the narrator. that would be a pretty stupid scenario.  
(@Princess) When did you actually last understand something, Naruto? ^^;  
(+ChildMolester) Damn.  
*** Parts: ChildMolester ()  
(echizen) kick, and we see.  
(hattuteline) have you ever tried to kick your own subconsciousness? it's a similar thing  
(ramen^2) hey old hag!! shut upt here!  
(@Princess) My sub-consciousness has never joined a chatting channel. o_O  
(hattuteline) don't push your luck too much.  
(hattuteline) i can make your life a living hell back in the storyline...  
(@Princess) Sure sure.  
*** Joins: Rosebud  
(@Princess) I'm not even a character in the fic.  
(ramen^2) i'm gonna go eat some ramen if you don't start making sense real soon  
(hattuteline) you can be…  
(Rosebud) hi hi.  
* Rosebud sits on pinkyhead|Lunch  
(+Silver) [Fileserver On] - Triggers:[/ctcp Silver Icha Icha Paradise!] - Users:[0/10] - Sends:[1/10] - Queues:[3/20] - Message:[Fserve ban for underage leechies] -- NinjaScript 1.337  
(echizen) please give me ops, tsunade-sama, and i will kickban the narrator with a kaiten kick...  
(Rosebud) Sakuraa....!  
(ramen^2) kakashi-sensei... erosennin will kickban you again for serving those  
(+Silver) naruto, didn't you see the message? i'm gonna cut you off  
(ramen^2) damn you!!  
* @Princess sets mode: +b hattuteline*!*@*  
*** You have been kicked from #Naruto by Princess (I don't like your narration.)  
*** Cannot join #Naruto : You are banned  
*** Cannot join #Naruto : You are banned  
  
----  
  
The smoke cloud had begun to dissolve. A pile of Sasuke's clothes appeared in sight, and a pissed off Naruchu sitting on top of them.  
  
"Chu... Chuu..." he muttered, and grabbed Sasuke's boxers with his teeth (kinky!).  
  
"Yuck-chu!!"  
  
"These taste like crap-chu..."  
  
"Shut up, you idiot-ssu."  
  
"What-chu?"  
  
"Let go of my boxers-ssu. And they don't taste like crap-ssu... You do-ssu."  
  
A dark blue figure, about the size and shape of Naruchu, appeared from the cloth pile.  
  
"And who the heck are chuu?"  
  
"Me-ssu? I am... Sasumon-ssu... The fire breathing hamster-family avenger Pokemon-ssu. And I will revenge this atrocity-ssu..." Sasumon snarled at the mirror images of himself, and shook his little paw at them.  
  
Sasumon thought he looked pretty cool in the reflections.  
  
Meanwhile the icy globe had begun to slowly extend towards the ground and thicken up. There was about thirty feet of room left inside the icy globe. Takyoku's reflections panted and held her bleeding side in the mirrors.  
  
"Naruto, Sasuke!" Kakashi yelled.  
  
"What-chu-ssu?" They asked simultaneously.  
  
"Remember the rodent Taijutsu we learned earlier", he continued, hoping that Takyoku wouldn't realize what he was after.  
  
"What good would that be now-ssu..."  
  
"Uhh, Sasuke...chu..."  
  
"What-ssu?"  
  
"I think I know what Kakashi-sensei refers to-chu."  
  
Sasumon pondered for a moment, and scratched his furry dark blue jaw, but didn't say anything.  
  
"...Fusion-chu..."  
  
Sasumon eyed him.  
  
"Fusion-ssu..."  
  
"Fusion-chuu... uurgh."  
  
"Oh crap-ssu."  
  
"Ditto-chu."  
  
"You suck, dobe-ssu."  
  
"So do you, bastard-chu."  
  
"Why didn't you avoid the Jutsu-ssu?"  
  
"Why did you cast it on yourself-chu?"  
  
"Shut up you chuu-idiot-ssu."  
  
"Bastard-chu."  
  
Sasumon was about seven inches high, and Naruchu about six. They were both approximately a feet in length.  
  
"Dammit-ssu, we're the right size and strength for this-ssu. Has Kakashi finally gone completely out of his mind-ssu?" Sasuke pondered in his head. He had made a point during their training, that any Fusion with him was very totally out of question.  
  
Takyoku glanced at the orange and dark blue hamsters arguing and yelling at each other, then looked at the pink figure enthralled by her reflections, and finally turned her attention to Kakashi. The teacher was most likely the only enemy with any strength or sanity left here.  
  
Kakashi dug up the last bits of his Chakra, and prepared to stall Takyoku until the Fusion was completed.  
  
"I'm gonna start-chu."  
  
"Oh shit-ssu."  
  
"I'm gonna attack-ssu."  
  
"What-chu!?"  
  
Kakashi focused Chakra to his feet and bolted up above the smaller mirrors. He could still follow Takyoku's fast movements, but his eyes were starting to seriously drain him dry.  
  
"Damn. How careless and stupid of me... I wonder if it's too late already..." Kakashi pondered quickly as sweat poured down the side of his face.  
  
Kakashi closed his eyes and crossed his fingers into the Ram seal.  
  
"Lets see if this works", he said and pumped the last bits of his Chakra into the Byakugan eye, hidden under the forehead protector. A blurry dark vision opened in front of him. Something moved between the mirrors at a very fast speed. He saw it will turn at him briefly, and that he needed to dodge already.  
  
Kakashi held his eyes still closed and jumped off towards the icy edge, just before a swarm of steel needles pierced his previous position into a slushy mess. Two needles pierced his left foot. Some of the smaller mirrors cracked under his weight, and Kakashi quickly moved on before he would fall back down.  
  
Sasumon jumped in and chased after Takyoku's fast movements. He was left behind in an instant.  
  
"Damn it all-ssu", he snarled.  
  
Naruchu hopped in from behind him and squealed horribly.  
  
"Raiken-chu!! Shourai-chu!!"  
  
A grand lightning sparked out from Naruchu's throat and forcibly struck against the mirror Takyoku just entered. The ear-splitting noise at the contact took all five of them by surprise, but only few tiny pieces of ice flew through the air as a result. The mirror was undamaged.  
  
"Damn-chu!!"  
  
"Mada mada...ssu!" Sasumon hopped over Naruto and pressed on the attack.  
  
"Karyuu Kokyuu~!!"  
  
Sasumon arced his small body backwards. The dark smoke in his mouth smothered him for a moment, until Sasumon lashed out a large fireball by springing his body back straight. The whole globe trembled and creaked at the mirror joints when the ball made impact, and the leftover flames deflected everywhere in a flooding flame wave.  
  
Kakashi had already taken cover, and Sasumon had done so too. Naruchu ended up with only some burned fur.  
  
The mirrors were undamaged. More precisely, Takyoku used more Chakra to push the ice forward again, ever closer to enclosing everyone inside into a lump of ice.  
  
But Sakura... Heh… Sakura… She was pretty badly burned.  
  
"....."  
  
Sakura was pretty mad, too.  
  
".... You.... Damn.... Idiot!!" She yelled. Sasumon flinched.  
  
"Why did you have to ruin my beautiful mirror images!??! God damn sheesh!!!"  
  
She stomped her foot hard against the ice on the ground. It cracked under her fierce pressure.  
  
"I'm officially Pissed... Off... Right now!!" and formed an evil, mad grin on her face.  
  
"Naruto, Sasuke, do it now!" Kakashi shouted from his cover.  
  
----  
  
Sakura flicked through several seals with a wicked grin on her face. An aura of negative energy poured out from her, and concentrated into a small cloud over her pink bangs. Soon an even more pissed off Sakura was recognizable from the aura shapes, though slightly deformed and covered with ever shifting black shadows.  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, Start-chu!!"  
  
"Left, right, up, down, B, Select-ssu..."  
  
"Damn-chu! Are you really even trying to do this-chu!?" Naruchu yelled at Sasumon.  
  
"Inner Sakura... Shussho!" she spat out, and drooled on her Chinese ninja dress. Veins bulged on her large forehead briefly, and Sakura's eyes rolled over. She passed out on the icy ground.  
  
The energy concentration above her flinched a little and looked rather surprised. KWA HWA HWA... It examined the hands and body covered in the shifting shadows. KWA HWA HWA HWA HWA... It flew slightly higher and strode over to the remaining smaller mirrors. KWA HWA HWA... It looked at its reflections with a greatly amused expression. KWA HWA HWA HWA HWAAA...  
  
"She actually released Inner Sakura... This might just work out..." Kakashi muttered quietly in his hideout.  
  
Naruchu smacked Sasumon upside the head with his small paw.  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, Start-ssu? I know it... ssu..."  
  
"It's just so freaky-ssu. With a dobe like you-ssu."  
  
"Shut up-chu!"  
  
"Here we go-chu!!"  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, Start-chu!"  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, ... Argh-ssu."  
  
"Dammit all-chu!!"  
  
"Oh wait, which one is the host-ssu?"  
  
"Does it matter-chu?"  
  
"Yes, you idiot-ssu. Our name will be either Sasuchu or Narumon depending on it-ssu."  
  
"We'll be Narumon-chu!"  
  
"No way in hell-ssu."  
  
"The host is the one below-chu?"  
  
Sasumon grunted.  
  
"Yes-ssu..." -__- ;;  
  
"Uhh! Ok, we can be Sasuchu then-chu."  
  
Naruchu grinned at him.  
  
"You suck-ssu."  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, Start-chu!!"  
  
"Left, right, up, down, A, B, Start-ssu..."  
  
Naruchu and Sasumon stood side to side and pressed their hamster fingertips against each others'.  
  
Sasumon then hopped to the ground in full length, and pressed his head to the ground.  
  
"Hurry up, dobe-ssu."  
  
Naruchu chuckled and hopped behind him. He put his paws on Sasumon's back.  
  
"What are you chuckling at, idiot-ssu."  
  
Naruchu chuckled some more, and 'inserted' himself into Sasumon from behind. Woot. Sasuke wailed in pain.  
  
"Stop rushing everything, idiot-ssu…" he muttered at Naruchu through the pain.  
  
"Hehe. Sorry Uke-chun", he chuckled back at Sasumon.  
  
"FUSION-ssu-chu!"  
  
Naruchu was sucked into Sasuke through the insertion. o_____O ;;;  
  
Lightning and fire swirled around the blue-orange-striped hamster-like creature, until the elements swallowed them up whole.  
  
Takyoku stood up in the mirrors.  
  
"HEheheheheHEhe. That was well enough time to patch myself up. Eat lead, suckers!!"  
  
She formed another seal, and a Chakra burst pushed the ice globe forward again. Kakashi's foot got stuck in the suddenly growing ice, but he pulled himself free quickly. The room to move in diminished at a fast pace, while Takyoku's grip on the fight strengthened even more.  
  
Inner Sakura grinned darkly, and shot a dark energy blast at the nearest small mirror. It fell down in pieces from the attack, and the rest of the attack hit one of the bigger mirrors.  
  
The large mirrors just ate the incoming energy without taking any kind of damage.  
  
The ice pushed further forward, and swallowed up the vortex with Naruchu and Sasumon inside. Kakashi grabbed Sakura's unconscious body and skipped to safety. He stared at the vortex, which kept on spinning still inside the ice, and hoped they could still break free. Kakashi stopped to the last bit of ground free from ice and placed Sakura down.  
  
"What the heck am I doing... Letting the kids do all the suicide attacks..." he pondered to himself when he looked at the sleeping (and drooling) Sakura.  
  
"I'll..." Kakashi muttered and gathered up his Chakra.  
  
"But everyone will die then... Damn..."  
  
KWA HWA HWA HWA... The Inner Sakura was half frozen into the ice. The dark figure formed a seal and her body split in small pieces. KWA HWA HWA... They slowly floated around, and then reformed in the air.  
  
The lower half of her body was still inside the ice. KWA HWA HWA HWA!!  
  
The Inner Sakura looked pretty confused about the whole thing. KWA HWA...  
  
The fire-lightning vortex inside the ice stopped spinning, and gradually died down.  
  
The upper half of Inner Sakura slowly fell towards the ground. KWA HWA HWA...!  
  
Kakashi looked around, alarmed.  
  
Takyoku prepared to make another push with the ice. She released the Chakra and the ice swarmed onwards at a faster pace again.  
  
"I do know my share of Kinjutsu..." Kakashi muttered.  
  
"Is this really it? Did they all fail?" he looked around once more, seeing if anyone was still up to fighting. He had spent most of his Chakra in keeping Byakugan up for the whole day, and the rest into switching over to Sharingan. Naruto and Sasuke were nowhere to be seen. Inner Sakura fell to the ice-covered ground.  
  
Sakura lay in his arms, and looked almost lifeless.  
  
"A self destruct technique will rip everything and everyone totally apart, and any survivor will be buried under all this ice", Kakashi pondered.  
  
He exhaled sharply as a revelation struck.  
  
"What if that girl is fast enough to eject herself out?"  
  
"Damn..."  
  
Loud crackling echoed all over the globe as the ice kept on enclosing everything.   
  
Takyoku looked at them wickedly, and licked her fingers in the mirror images.  
  
"Better than to die like this..."  
  
Kakashi concentrated. Ice took hold of his feet and Sakura's body lying on the ground. Inner Sakura's upper body was partly enclosed in the ice. The globe was now completely sealed in the expanding icy layers.  
  
Kakashi opened his Sharingan eye wide, and pushed Chakra out.  
  
"Initial gate, Heal gate, Life gate..." Kakashi murmured and then checked his disappearing wounds. He ripped his legs out from the ice, and formed a small Chakra blade.  
  
"Damn. I'm really beat it seems..."  
  
He quickly cut Sakura out from the ice and held her cold and lifeless body tight.  
  
"And you little sweetie never got to do it, did you? I learned all sorts of things from Jiraiya's books, maybe..." His eyes trailed over Sakura's young body, and then held her in place for a kiss. He placed his hand behind Sakura's neck and pulled her sleeping face closer. His other hand was about to pull the facemask off.  
  
A loud explosion shook him awake from the daze, rocking everything violently for a short while.   
  
Takyoku snorted. She tied up the sweaty blue-green-red-yellow-colored hair in a ponytail, and looked at the source of the explosion with her golden eyes.  
  
The whole upper portion of the globe suddenly had a huge crack in it. The remaining half of Inner Sakura glared at Kakashi with eyes that could kill. Kakashi sweatdropped. Inner Sakura had made its lower body explode with all strength and might it had available.  
  
"Sorry, sorry... Heheh..."  
  
"But it worked, no?" Kakashi tried.  
  
Inner Sakura still glared at him, hard. It dissolved into Chakra waves and poured back into Sakura. Kakashi noticed her body suddenly became warmer, and she opened her eyes in Kakashi's arms, right in front of his face.  
  
"Kakashi... Sensei...?"  
  
"Uhh. Hi."  
  
"Why are you...?"  
  
"Long story. Are you ok?"  
  
"Hnn..."  
  
Kakashi turned to look at where Naruto and Sasuke were enclosed earlier. Takyoku pushed the ice forward again, healing the fresh large crack by the minute.  
  
"Heheheh!! Just freeze up already, you dirty maggots!!"  
  
Another huge explosion shocked the foundations of the ice globe.  
  
"Kee..!!" a sudden squeal came from somewhere.  
  
A third explosion rocked the globe. This time the ice finally broke, and a yellow fur ball rolled in from the broken roof.  
  
"Kee!" It squealed.  
  
"What the heck is that...?" Sakura asked, and still relaxed in Kakashi's arms.  
  
A yellow furry monkey stood in front of them. It had a bright red tail, though, which it shook around fiercely. The thing was about waist-high compared to Sakura.  
  
"I am Sasukichi-kee!"  
  
"Kee?"  
  
"Kee!! Thanks for the earlier explosion, Sakura-kee, it gave enough room to complete the Fusion-kee."  
  
"Uhh, is that a compliment from Sasuke or Naruto..." Sakura pondered in her head.  
  
"Good to see you two again", Kakashi smiled with his left eye at them.   
  
He fell down to the ground unconscious, and Sakura ended up sitting on his chest.  
  
"Kakashi-sensei-kee?"  
  
"Kakashi-sensei!!"  
  
"Same thing happened in the Wave Country..." Sakura said.  
  
"We must finish this now-kee."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Sakura pulled out her pendant and placed it on the palm of her hand.  
  
"By the contradiction of Sakura Cards, I command you! Stupid wand!"  
  
Her pendant begun to shine brightly, and in a swirl of wind it quickly enlarged and extended into a long pink magic wand.  
  
Sasukichi formed a seal and yelled, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"  
  
Five yellow monkey clones with red tails appeared around Sakura and Sasukichi.  
  
Sakura pulled out a card, and grinned at the intently concentrating Takyoku's in the mirrors.  
  
"You're history, bitch!"  
  
"Like you're one to say that-kee..." Sasukichi (very) quietly muttered.  
  
----  
  
The ice pushed forward again. Two huge cracks were still visible on the walls of the icy globe, but they were being fast reinforced with fresh ice. The walls surrounding them were several feet thick by now.  
  
The Sasukichi clones charged at the mirrors, and each hit forcibly against an image of Takyoku. Five small cracks were visible after the attacks.  
  
"It's breaking. Good", Sakura said.  
  
Takyoku opened her eyes, and slashed at the Sasukichi's. Two were caught in the head with an ice spike, but three managed to dodge. The original was still beside Sakura, preparing another Jutsu eyes closed. The small cracks healed from the mirrors.  
  
"Sakura-kee", the Sasukichi next to her said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can you give us a minute to power up-kee?"  
  
"A minute? I'll be finished by then."  
  
She grinned, and Sasukichi couldn't avoid opening one eye to glance at the girl. One who knew her during the Hidden Leaf times wouldn't believe this was the same person. She held out two cards and begun casting.  
  
"Dashu~!" She yelled, and Chakra formed around her legs.  
  
"Suoodo~!" She she continued and held the magic wand high. It transformed into a sword.  
  
"Here I come, flashy bitch!!"  
  
Takyoku kneeled with her eyes closed in the mirrors, focusing on pushing the ice forward. She opened her eyes and prepared to fight against Sakura.  
  
Sasukichi tried to close the fight off from their mind.  
  
_Idiot-kee. What are you doing-kee? I'm trying to win the fight, bastard-kee. Well why don't you do something already-kee? I'm doing all the time-kee!! I think you should just shut up until I'm ready-kee! What if you are preparing a Marmalade Pudding no Jutsu or something as intelligent-kee? Well I'm not-kee!! I'm planning this-kee!_  
  
Sasukichi's bones suddenly ached. They hissed slightly as the pain inside them grew.  
  
_What the heck are you doing-kee?_  
  
Something popped out from Sasukichi's body. It was a second tail. Then a third one scraped off from him too.  
  
_What kinda joke is this-kee? Just keep on pushing, bastard-kee!! Whatever-kee..._  
  
The remaining tails lashed out in fast form as Sasumon didn't hold back any longer. Not counting the original tail, Sasukichi had nine long tails, and they were all made from Chakra.  
  
Sakura dashed forward at blinding speed with the help of her Dash-card. She struck the mirror where Takyoku entered in with her sword, but the kunoichi had already run away. Takyoku popped the last remaining Sasukichi clone out casually as she passed by, and entered another mirror. Sakura followed her closely and stabbed the next mirror.   
  
Takyoku was nowhere to be seen, though.  
  
"Damn that bitch!!" Sakura cursed. She dashed away to hide from the incoming steel and ice needles.  
  
_This is my power-kee. Take a good look at it while you can-kee! What are you...kee..._  
  
Sasukichi opened their eyes. They saw Sakura and Takyoku fight it out on the other end of the globe. They blurred and appeared next to Takyoku.  
  
"What!?" was all she had time to think when the monkey's balled fist struck her very hard on the side.  
  
"Kee!!" Sasukichi squealed, clearly amazed by their prowess.  
  
The icy globe begun to spin around, and needles flew in from everywhere. Sakura dashed away behind the remaining smaller mirrors, but Sasukichi didn't have anywhere to go.  
  
"Katon, Go-kakyu!" Sasukichi yelled and blew out a massive fire inferno with Ninetails' Chakra. The icy needles melted into water, and the steel needles were easily blown away.  
  
"Heh heh heh... You damn monkey... Lets see how you like this!" the reflections of Takyoku taunted him. She formed a seal and released a huge portion of Chakra.  
  
The spinning intensified and endless needles rained on Sasukichi.  
  
"Goukakyu!!" they yelled again, and exhaled fire to all directions.  
  
The needles kept on coming.  
  
"Goukakyu!" Sasukichi yelled for the third time, and against blew out fire.  
  
Some of the needles got through.  
  
"Goukakyu..." they breathed one more fireball out.  
  
The needle attack died down.  
  
Sakura popped her head out from the hideout (she quickly pulled Kakashi in with her before hiding) and looked at Sasukichi, who was slumped over a pile of needles. They had been severely pierced with numerous needles, and wasted tons of Chakra in repeated high-level fire attacks.  
  
Sakura took out a card, and tapped it with her wand.  
  
"Summon... Temari!"  
  
Gaara's older sister came out from Sakura's wand.  
  
"Hi Temari-chan."  
  
"Hello Sakura."  
  
_Get up, dobe-kee... I refuse to spend an eternity in the afterlife with you-kee... Dobe-kee... Shut up, idiot-kee. Let me sleep-kee..._  
  
"What's the deal here?" Temari asked.  
  
"We need to break through these mirrors", Sakura answered.  
  
Sasukichi forced their eyes open. They raised their right hand and pointed the open palm at the two girls.  
  
"Help us, Sakura-chan, Temari... You are our only hope-kee..."  
  
Sasukichi passed out.  
  
Temari nodded.  
  
"Can't be helped, I guess."  
  
Sakura just grinned as an answer.  
  
"Heheheheh... Damn brat... Made me waste that much Chakra before finishing you two", Takyoku said from between her gritted teeth.  
  
Temari grabbed her fan and jumped up in the air. She slid in the air on the fan. Sakura took out another card.  
  
"Uindii~!" she cast the wind attack once more.  
  
"Kamaitachi!" Temari yelled and swooped her fan.  
  
A large wave of small wind blades scraped the surfaces of the mirrors. Sakura's larger blades followed, smashing almost all of the smaller mirrors in pieces. The wind attacks made contact at one of the large mirrors, and made dozens of severe cracks appear through it. The greater portion of the power got deflected around the globe, wounding both Sakura and Temari lightly. Sasukichi ended up with some fresh wounds as well.  
  
Sakura dropped to her knees, and panted hard once more.  
  
"Sheesh... Pfffffffth... I'm gonna kill myself with this damn card someday..."  
  
"Are you ok, Sakura?" Temari asked.  
  
"Yeah... Huff... Sure..." she answered.  
  
"HAHAhahHAhahaHAHH!! You lousy maggots!!" Takyoku taunted them.  
  
"You are nothing in front of my mirrors of endless power! They'll reflect back anything you throw at them!! MwhahahahahahahahHAHAhaHAHAhahaHAHAHAHAhaHAHaHHAhahaHAhahAHahA!!!"  
  
Sakura blinked.  
  
"Temari-chan..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Lets continue chatting later tonight, I have to finish this geek off."  
  
"I understand."  
  
Sakura held the earlier card above her head, and Temari hopped into it. The card read "Temari" on the nametag, and Sakura's name was written in tiny neat letters on the edge.  
  
"HhahaHAh. You'll finish me? Maybe not. Give me a moment and I'll push the ice to cover you all... Then I'll drag your frozen bodies back to the Kyouji village and crucify them above the entrance as a reminder to everyone who wants to mess with the clan!"  
  
"And the best part is that inside my ice, your bodies will stay recognizable for a long time to come... I'll call your friends and families to admire your rotten fates!!! MWMAWMAMWAWHAWHAHAHHAHAAHWHWHAWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
"You sick, sick bitch..." Sakura snarled at her.  
  
She held another card in front of her.  
  
"See you in hell."  
  
"Mirraa~!"  
  
A mirror formed in front of Sakura.  
  
"Hehehehe.. Is that supposed to do something to me?"  
  
She placed it in front of the smaller mirrors.  
  
"Dashu~!" she said.  
  
Sakura dashed quickly to Sasukichi and dragged the boys quickly back to Kakashi. The smaller mirrors suddenly trembled slightly.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Takyoku threw a swarm of ice needles at the magical mirror, but it reflected them all back. The smaller mirrors shook violently.  
  
"It's reflecting your mirrors' power back and forth between them, amplifying the strength every pass. Lets see which one breaks first", Sakura grinned at Takyoku.  
  
"Pfft."  
  
Takyoku threw some needles at Sakura.  
  
"Shiirudo~!"  
  
A smaller shield globe formed around the four of them, present in only three bodies though. The needles clanked uselessly off the shield.  
  
Takyoku targeted the smaller mirrors this time, and broke them all.  
  
"Hah!"  
  
The mirror powers started to reflect between the larger mirrors and Sakura's mirror.  
  
"No, it cannot be!"  
  
The whole icy globe begun to shake violently, and several large cracks formed all over.  
  
"You gave me this idea by talking about the infinite strength and how your mirrors deflect the power back", Sakura screamed over the rising noise.  
  
"Damn brats...!!" Takyoku shreaked back.  
  
The night sky peeked in from the larger cracks. Takyoku escaped out from the mirrors.  
  
"Die in there, then!!" She yelled at the collapsing ice mirrors.  
  
"DAMN!!" Takyoku yelled. She didn't really believe her Jutsu could be broken like that.  
  
"Heh... Who's laughing now?" a female voice said behind and above Takyoku.  
  
She turned around to see if they really got out from the globe or not.  
  
"Kamaitachi!!"  
  
The wind attack caught Takyoku big time, and threw her forcibly against a tree trunk. Everything blacked out for her.  
  
----  
  
"Haku died protecting the one he loved the most."  
  
Takyoku woke up to the mention of her little cousin.  
  
"Huh...?" she muttered and tried to stand up. Her body rebelled fiercely against the attempt to rise up. She couldn't do so anyway, since she was tied sitting to a tree trunk.  
  
She saw a tired Sakura staring at her.  
  
"So you all survived..."  
  
"So far so good. You know, I should kill you right now."  
  
"Then do so."  
  
"I just might."  
  
Takyoku tried to size up the other girl. Was she a killer or not?  
  
"I'm not going to do that for now, though. Not before you hear our version of Haku's story..."  
  
Takyoku snarled and glared hard at Sakura. Her golden eyes woke up and the color begun to blink annoyingly again.  
  
"Some freaky eyes you have."  
  
"..."  
  
"Ok. What I'm trying to say... No one tried to kill Haku. He was a victim there."  
  
Takyoku looked oddly at Sakura.  
  
"What do you mean? You killed them both on the bridge to accomplish your mission."  
  
"Where did you hear that?"  
  
"From both the villagers and the assassins of Gatou."  
  
"Uhh… You see... Haku and Zabuza were fooled from the start. Gatou never intended to pay a cent to them. That's why he used missing-nins to accomplish the mission of killing the bridge builders."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh? What do you mean, what? Gatou fooled them. He came in with dozens of his own men when the fight was ending in our favour. Then Zabuza killed Gatou for betraying them, but was lethally wounded while doing so... Haku died few minutes earlier, when he blocked an attack by Kakashi-sensei, which would have killed Zabuza."  
  
"So you DID kill him!"  
  
"That wasn't something he could have helped. Kakashi never aimed at him, but at Zabuza."  
  
Takyoku sighed.   
  
"Naruto explained later to me, that Haku lost his will to live after they broke through the mirrors. He asked Naruto to finish him off, but then he hurried off to help Zabuza with the greatest sacrifice he could give."   
  
Sakura spotted a tear falling down Takyoku's face.  
  
She muttered something to Sakura, and went back to sleep.  
  
"I don't think she's such a bitch after all. Maybe I'll just stab her a little", Sakura pondered, and grinned wickedly for a short moment.   
  
"Whoops, I hope no one saw that..." She looked around frantically, but everyone was asleep. Sasuke and Naruto were back to hamsters, and the Ahou Henge should dissolve in a few more hours.   
  
Sasumon grunted and opened his eyes.   
  
"Sasuke-kun! How glad I am that you two survived..."   
  
"...Even if you are a stupid hamster still..." she very quietly added.   
  
Sakura rose up from Takyoku's side and looked briefly at the sleeping Kakashi. She walked over towards Sasuke.   
  
Sasumon turned his neck to look at the pink-haired girl. One year ago they had a serious talk about their possible relationship, and after that she has formed a much healthier attitude towards him. He would definately kill anyone who tried to cuddle him now, anyways.   
  
"How are you feeling? I was rather surprised when Naruto came out of your... Butt..." Sakura snickered quietly and blushed a little.   
  
"...Ssssu!!!"   
  
Sasumon gritted his teeth as he moved a little. His ass was in flames! What the hell happened down there!?!?!   
  
----   
  
Two dark figures stared at the group of five from a high branch.   
  
"Arez theyz themz?" the first one asked.   
  
"Yesh... Theh girlh ish onlyh pointh sevenh oneh, stillh theh strongesth ofh theh normalh onesh..." the second one answered.   
  
"Howz aboutz thez weirdz guyz?"   
  
"Heh seemsh toh beh ath leasth pointh fiftyh..."   
  
"Magnifzicentz."   
  
One of the dark figures worked on something attached to its head, and pressed a button.   
  
"Veryz goodz..."   
  
The figures pondered something over very intently.   
  
"Wez shallz makez contactz withz himz veryz soonz..."   
  
"Soh shallh weh doh."   
  
----   
  
Wow wow! It must have been the fight of the century-chu! Or maybe the millennium-chu! But why is Temari Sakura's summon!? How mysterious! Who were the ominous dark figures?! Where are the squirrels!? Does this story have any meaning any longer?! Who really cares!?   
  
But be not afraid! More is on it's way... Yay... 


	4. Enter Mr Ceiling Wax!

Whee. It's a chapter! And also fourth at that! Unbelievable-chu.   
  
To the lovely reviewers... Chu! Thank you very much for reviewing. Though there might be some confusion about my gender, which isn't exactly female, but instead male...   
  
Also while this story doesn't have any set insanity level, it still won't ever become overly serious-chu.   
  
Here at the end of the annual author notes I will add a manga-style freetalk: Yo desu. Mou, watashittara baka datte bayo na~... Sou-ssu, sou-ssu dayo ze.. da tte na.. dane wa.. de gozaru-chu!   
  
Ok. See you in next chapter again!   
  
Oh yea, another warning... This chapter has a totally unnecessary lime scene, and a load of bad jokes. But I'm a friend of bad humor.   
  


* * *

  
Sasuke woke up to the chirping of birds. The sound reminded him of the endless nights he had spent training the combination of Chidori and Sharingan, to be able to strike a quick lethal blow against any enemy.   
  
Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp... Sasuke dreamed of moving in at full speed, barely avoiding the traps set by Kakashi to test his reflexes, and finally annihilating the target dummy into pieces with a skilled stab.   
  
Satisfaction from success is something he at some levels thirsted for, but never achieved. He often dreamt of succeeding in something he set his mind to, but always woke up with a frown just at the crucial moment.   
  
Sasuke opened his eyes. The sun had risen already. The sky was a light blue with few clouds, the usual Fire Country weather that they had every day.   
  
"Hhh..." Sasuke sighed out. His body had gone back to human form overnight, but he felt like he had broken most of his bones.   
  
"About time you got up, lazy-ass."   
  
Sasuke turned his head slightly to take a look around. Naruto crouched there wearing the orange jumpsuit and a wide grin, tending to the campfire in the center of a small camp. He roasted some fish over the fire. Sakura slept in a sleeping bag, as did Kakashi in another. He was alarmed to notice, that the girl they fought against last night slept peacefully against a tree trunk right in the middle of their camp.   
  
He tried to jump to his feet, but a splitting pain struck his lower back.   
  

    
    ***
    *** _Flashback to last night:_
    ***
    *** _Naruchu Hopped Behind Sasumon Crouching On The Ground Head Pressed Down..._
    *** _Naruchu Placed The Tiny And Furry Yellow Paws On His Back..._
    ***
    *** _Then... He Pushed...!! A Winner Is You...!!_
    ***

"Guhh..." Sasuke groaned as a nauseating wave of pain passed through his lower body.   
  
"Does it hurt any less?" Naruto looked over at him.   
  
What a moment to spare some unneeded sympathy.   
  
Sasuke glared daggers and other sharp objects at Naruto. He held his breath in before the blonde boy's questioning stare, and some sweat drops trickled down his face.   
  
"Guess who got the honor of spreading the healing salve?"   
  
Sasuke lay in the sleeping bag quietly. He gradually turned the death-glare to a very casual stare, and finally didn't show Naruto any sign of being present in the conversation, or even understanding what he was saying.   
  
Sasuke focused on shutting out all of the pain, and it made him rather look like he had fallen asleep right there, with his eyes open.   
  
"I sure hope it was worth it. My fingers still smell like shit after an hour of scrubbing."   
  
Sasuke had already closed his eyes and went back to sleep.   
  
"Well you're welcome, Mr. Sunshine."   
  
Naruto sniffed his fingers once more, and frowned his eyebrows at them.   
  
"Not my dinner..." he muttered to himself and stirred the boiling sauce with a wooden stick.   
  
"He can just wake up and cook his own meals, if shit flavour isn't his favourite..."   
  


* * *

  
Next time Sasuke woke up, time had passed to at least the following evening. The sun had gone down, anyways. Naruto, Sakura, and the girl were quietly talking something around the campfire. Kakashi still slept in his sleeping bag.   
  
"Sasuke-kun", Sakura softly said to him.   
  
Sasuke just stared up towards the night sky.   
  
She said something more. Sasuke tried to rise up from the bed, but he was still drained dry of strength. The pain in his lower back lit up sharply when he tried to move, even if it had dulled remarkably from the last time he remembered being awake.   
  
Warm liquid entered Sasuke's mouth. He was very hungry, so he swallowed it all.   
  
He quickly drifted off, back to deep dreamless sleep.   
  


* * *

  
Sasuke woke up to a shocking sensation in his chest. He opened his eyes wide and prepared for everything. A very tired Kakashi sat in front of him in a slumped form, and pressed his hand on Sasuke's chest.   
  
"Yo", he muttered.   
  
Sasuke slowly got up from the sleeping bag. His lower back was still killing him right there, but at least he could sit up now. He felt much better sitting up than lying down helpless.   
  
"Guess it helped", Kakashi murmured to him.   
  
Sasuke stood up shakily from the bed and took a few cautious steps around. His lower back felt like it had dropped out of his body, and flaming pain shot up from his crotch area and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed him and ripped his insides apart into a hurting bloody mess. The bitter taste of blood quickly came up his throat. Sasuke also suddenly noticed his jaw had started to clatter on its own at some point, and that the ground was shaking under his feet.   
  
Naruto stood there in front of him, had maybe been there all the time, maybe not, and looked back at him hands crossed. Sasuke saw the shaking image of Naruto in two and four, and turned away from him. He didn't say anything to Sasuke, who in turn completely ignored the blonde boy and just kept going onwards.   
  
Sasuke limped away from the camp in his pyjamas. The darkness engulfed him more and more with every step, the pain struck deeper and deeper every time he set his foot down. He felt like being slowly pierced into a huge barbeque stick along his backbone. Like he was walking through a field full of broken glass and sharp spikes and everything that hurt him. He saw a hastily cled Sakura and the other girl looking surprisedly at him.   
  
Ten steps, twenty steps, thirty steps, forty steps. He fell asleep at some point.   
  
Naruto caught him and carried him back to the camp.   
  
Sasuke saw dreams of wearing clothes made from peppermint honey.   
  


* * *

  
Three days later Team seven was ready to leave the camp. Sasuke had returned mostly to his old self, and Kakashi was nearly at full strength. Sakura wasn't too badly hurt in the first place, and Naruto had Ninetails to regenerate him. Takyoku had some stitches on her arm and chest. Her wedding gown was ruined with all the blood she had bled over it, but they were the only clothes she could use right now.   
  
They had many long talks with the five of them, mainly about Haku and his fate. They talked about the incident, which drove Haku away from the village, and how life had moved on since. They agreed to accompany Takyoku if not as friends, then at least as not-enemies, until they arrived at the ruins of Konoha. That was decided after Kakashi finally revealed the target of their journey. Sakura greatly appreciated the female company in addition to her three blockhead companions.   
  
The group of five walked along a forest highway in the southern parts of Fire Country. Kakashi took the front, and Naruto walked up to him.   
  
"Ano sa~, Ano sa~, Kakashi-sensei..." Naruto poked Kakashi's side with his finger.   
  
"Hmmm?"   
  
"What's there at the ruins of Konoha?"   
  
"Ruins."   
  
"Why do we go there then?"   
  
"We've been hired to go there."   
  
"What are we going to do there?"   
  
"We'll see about that when we get there first", Kakashi said with a certain final note in his voice, to seal off that topic.   
  
"Isn't it about time we trained something useful?" he quickly added as he turned to shine some of that deceptive Kakashi-smile at Naruto.   
  
Naruto frowned at him first, for not answering any of his questions, but then grinned in return.   
  
"Hehee, better show me a cool one from those thousand Jutsu you copied!"   
  
"Nope, no Jutsu training this time..."   
  
"Hmmmm..." Naruto looked very suspicious about it all.   
  
"In the last fight, you were caught with a hostile Jutsu before you could do anything."   
  
"Well, that was..."   
  
"That was a quick loss."   
  
"Well, well... Well. You could say so..."   
  
"Speed."   
  
Naruto stared questioningly at Kakashi.   
  
Kakashi turned slightly and said over his elbow, "Sakura, Sasuke."   
  
The two looked at Kakashi as well.   
  
"Dash training time. Leave your backpacks with me, and run to that boulder and back here as fast as you can."   
  
Kakashi pointed at a large rock a good distance further ahead of them.   
  


* * *

  
Naruto lost every type of dash training they tried: Short dashes, long dashes, tree-jumping dashes, and open-air dashes. The three Genin caught their breath vigorously on the side of the Konoha gravel highway.   
  
"Sakura-chan..." Naruto said and panted some more. Sakura breathed heavily and tried to recover from the constant dashing.   
  
"When did you get this fast..."   
  
Sakura raised her head and grinned at Naruto. She showed him the Dash card before putting it back to her pocket.   
  
"Damn... Will you lend that to me in the next fight? Hee hee!" Naruto asked from her with a wide grin, and scratched the back of his head with one hand.   
  
"You wish!" Sakura answered.   
  
"Hmph..." Sasuke added.   
  
Naruto jumped up and pointed a finger at Sasuke.   
  
"Oi, you bastard! I'm gonna beat you now! Run while you can!"   
  
Naruto lost every type of dashing training they tried.   
  
On a complete side note, even before the global destruction Konohagakure wasn't really a 'hidden ninja village' but in name, with the several thousands of civilian habitants it had living their lives inside the village. Now days after the annihilation of hidden villages no one lived in the Konoha village area any longer (officially), but the underground facilities and training areas out of the village were still rumoured to be in active use... By shady criminal syndicates and suspicious individuals; the kind of people that normal people didn't really want to know about. Even more so, since the whole place might get bombarded to sawdust with a wave of meteors at any time, if any of that was actually true.   
  
The group of five had travelled onward already far inside the central forests of Fire Country, since they had been sprinting for the greater half of the day.   
  
"It's really a quite simple trick", Kakashi explained to Naruto as he and Takyoku walked closer to the three resting Genin.   
  
"When you find the correct Chakra shapes to use around your feet and arms, it all feels like a too simple solution."   
  
"Damn!!" Naruto yelled at his hands as an answer.   
  
"You've gotten a little better already with minor adjustments. Just keep on practicing every day."   
  
"Damn..." he muttered.   
  


* * *

  
That evening they arrived at the end of the highway.   
  
Sakura and Takyoku walked at the head of the group, behind them Kakashi still kept the Byakugan eye aimed at everything in the environment. Naruto and Sasuke followed few steps behind, constantly preparing themselves for all kinds of incoming attacks.   
  
They moved through the knee-high grass and plants that had grown surprisingly quickly to cover the final parts of the highway, until from behind the trees the dead ruins of Konohagakure village came in sight.   
  
The ruins were a huge pile of rubble. Smashed pieces of houses and carriages and sheds and cottages and more houses had been scrambled all over between large boulders and broken pieces of gigantic rocks. All of it lay on the bottoms of three very wide craters covering the area that used to be the Hidden Leaf village. Scrap wood and isolated floor tiles, roof panels, pipes, pieces of furniture, everything you find in a small town came in sight with a closer look. The four faces of the previous Hokage overlooked a badly maintained junkyard.   
  
Plants didn't have enough time in the two and half years to give it a serene or forgotten look that one would imagine on ancient ruins. It all looked so fresh, like the dust hadn't really settled down yet. Maybe there had still been a village here for the past two years, and it was destroyed just yesterday.   
  
Four Leaf nins and a Cloud kunoichi just stared quietly at the pile of rubble.   
  
Three shadows jumped in from the treetops to the left and landed some distance in front of the group. Five alarmed nins turned to answer for attacks and immediately scanned the environment, but no one made an immediate move on them.   
  
"Hmmmm... A bunch of brats", a voice said. It belonged to one of the people who just appeared in front of them.   
  
"Leaf headbands...? Don't tell me you guys are signing up for the tournament?"   
  
Long stares were exchanged between the two groups.   
  
"That's how it is", was all Kakashi said. The white eye stared hard at the something, maybe the people in front of them or at the surroundings.   
  
"Well I'm just interested in one thing... Are you brats really up to something like that? Have you even noticed how many people are here watching you?"   
  
Naruto looked around slowly. He couldn't feel anything hidden on the trees or the bushes.   
  
"Three people, obviously", Kakashi pointed out as an answer.   
  
Naruto blinked. He turned his head to stare at the three shadows in front of them. Was it that simple?   
  
"Quite good, quite good."   
  
Naruto scratched his head.   
  
"One is behind us in a tree, second tries to hide behind another tree to the left from here, and the last one crouches behind those three clones, no?" Kakashi continued.   
  
Something rustled in their surroundings.   
  
"Looks like you caught us good, kid. Hohoh... And hoh, quite a babe you have in your group! If only a little dangerous-looking..." the man pointed his walking cane at Takyoku, who still wore the seriously blood-drenched ninja wedding dress. Carefully washing the silk dress for dozens of times still didn't do much to the newly acquired color.   
  
Takyoku just snorted quietly as a reply, and chewed on a straw she had picked up from the side of the highway.   
  
"I don't like that old guy..." Sakura quietly muttered.   
  
The three figures in front of them blurred briefly and then drenched away into three muddy piles. An old short man with a crooked back and long grey hair stood idly there, behind the three dispelled clones. He leaned on a walking cane.   
  
Another old man appeared behind them high up an old oak tree. He didn't have any hair on his head, but leaned on a similar cane as the first one. The third one appeared further away to the left from the group. They all had heavy brown robes covering their bodies, and the third one hid his head in a big hood.   
  
"Hoh hoh... You're looking for the thirteenth training area on the north end across the ruins", the first old man suddenly said, and slowly turned away. He jumped up to a high tree branch, and looked at the five nins over his shoulder.   
  
"Try to keep low profile in here, if you can. All kinds of weirdoes are aloof."   
  
The three old men jumped away to the shadows.   
  
Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke checked around the trees with their eyes. Nothing moved. Nothing they could sense, at least.   
  
"Time to go", Kakashi said. He jumped up to the trees and they all followed.   
  
The group of five nins ran swiftly along tree branches towards the north side of the village.   
  
Two figures watched after them from a nearby treetop. One of them held a limp one-third-human, one-third-wolf, one-third-pig corpse from the throat. Blood trickled down the sharp nails used to pierce the animal, and dropped down towards the ground.   
  
"Hmmz, lookz likez noz onez elze iz goingz toz attackz themz... Forz nowz Atz Leazt..."   
  
"Ith certainlyh looksh soh, soh ith certainlyh looksh likeh."   
  
The two figures swiftly jumped off after the Leaf nins and the Mist nin.   
  
Kakashi led them around the crater along the small cover of the green-leaved trees.   
  


* * *

  
A little while later Kakashi landed in front of the entrance to training area thirteen. The four others followed closely and kept an eye out for everything.   
  
"Should have guessed..." Kakashi muttered as he watched into the giant square-shaped hole in the ground. Some little steam trickled up from the corners of the hole. He turned his head slightly.   
  
"We're going down in here", he explained over his left shoulder.   
  
"Down in... where?" Naruto pondered aloud. Kakashi just pointed at the ground with a single finger.   
  
Everyone stared at the steaming hole.   
  
"Down in... there."   
  
Suddenly Kakashi's eyes widened briefly, and he turned his focus to the right.   
  
"Lets go in right now", he said and looked around some more, "Before we get caught into a fight."   
  
They walked closer to the edge of the hole. Wide steps descended into the earth, and a dark cave opening was the only visible thing at the lower end.   
  
"Looks like our paths split here", Takyoku interrupted as they all stared at the square cave mouth.   
  
Sakura quickly turned around and looked at her with a sad look on her face. She walked up to Takyoku.   
  
"I guessed you would leave us... But I didn't want it to happen this fast."   
  
"Oh Sakura..."   
  
Takyoku grabbed hold of a loose strand of pink hair on Sakura's face and placed it behind her ear. A tear formed in the corner of Sakura's eye.   
  
Sakura put her hands on Takyoku's shoulders and stood on her toes in front of the taller blue-green-pink-violet haired girl with golden blinking eyes.   
  
Takyoku burst into tears and took Sakura into a warm hug.   
  
"Sakura..."   
  
"Takyoku..."   
  
"I will never forget you..."   
  
"I've never felt like I did yesterday..."   
  
"You have opened my eyes to love..."   
  
They broke the hug and faced each other.   
  
"I love you, Sakura..." she whispered.   
  
"I love you, Takyoku..." she quietly answered in her ear.   
  
The kiss was soft and deep, the lust and the warmth entangling around their tongues, which gradually worked more purposefully and demandingly in their mouths. Takyoku ruffled Sakura's pink hair with one hand, Sakura's hands brushed up and down Takyoku's back (and occasionally the hips). Sakura felt a passing thud on her back when Takyoku fell on top of her into the grass in a fluff of light red silk.   
  
To Sakura, Takyoku was her Goddess of love. Her statuesque beauty and forceful gentleness was nothing like she could have imagined ever confronting.   
  
To Takyoku, Sakura was her saviour, her personal hero. The younger girl's bottomless hope and endless trust in beautiful love first lured her in, and later showed her the wonders of being alive.   
  
Their love was a pure and untainted light shining brightly into their dark worlds full of killing.   
  
Three boys looked wide-eyed at the turn of events.   
  
"My Sakura-chan..." Naruto cried.   
  
Takyoku's soft lips and tongue explored Sakura's throat and neck in large chunks. Sakura twisted and moaned loudly on the grass below her. She stole a kiss from Takyoku's lips whenever she had the chance.   
  
"Hmm..." Kakashi pondered.   
  
Sasuke stood quietly, though with a panicky look on his eyes.   
  
"Uh-oh..." Sakura muttered as Takyoku stopped licking her, and ripped Sakura's Chinese dress top open. Her bra had been destroyed in the earlier fight, so she only had some bandaging quickly strapped around her for cover.   
  
Takyoku stared down at Sakura's body with a feeling of triumph powerfully emanating from her pose, and then slowly turned to glare at the three boys. Naruto wiped drool from the side of his mouth. Sakura shyly tried to cover her chest a little with her hands, but knew better how it would make Takyoku react.   
  
Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi looked back extremely curiously at the two lying on the ground.   
  
"Oh well..." Sakura whispered. She let her hands fall to the ground, and a tear rolled down her cheek.   
  
Takyoku grit her teeth, making a loud sound. Sakura hoped she didn't break any.   
  
Takyoku suddenly jumped away to the trees and ran off.   
  
Sakura lay on the grass hands loose on her sides, and breathed deep.   
  
She didn't say anything, or move.   
  
The boys decided to wait it out. They really didn't want to piss her off by doing something stupid just now.   
  
Sakura sighed again, and slowly started to button her dress up again.   
  
A quiet but angry gnarling sound could be heard from one of Sakura's pockets.   
  
It was the pocket holding her summoning cards, and she only had one of them.   
  


* * *

  
"**Abandon all hope, ye who enter here**", read the sign.   
  
They had walked down several hundreds of steps and proceeded some way further into the dark cave. Takyoku had left and Sakura dreamed of her touch on her bare skin.   
  
The only problem was, that Sakura dropped down on her knees every time she thought about it. But she'd learn to live with it, with the shining hope of eventually meeting her destined soulmate again.   
  
"Sakura..." Sasuke said during one of these episodes.   
  
Sakura's eyes widened as waves of electricity struck violently through her body again and again. That was for thinking about Takyoku's soft and wonderful lips.   
  
"Hnnnn..... Sasuke-kun?" Sakura softly muttered aloud. Her eyesight was completely blurred, ears locked, and a curious taste filled her throat.   
  
"Were you always... Were you always interested in girls?" Sasuke formed the question on all of the boys' minds.   
  
"Hmm..." Sakura pondered, "No. But for some reason I stopped believing in men at some point."   
  
She beamed a smile at Sasuke.   
  
He frowned slightly, and pondered what she actually meant.   
  
Sakura stood up from the floor and examined the cave, trying to look casual inbetween of having repeated orgasms in the middle of a ninja mission. She hopped behind the rocks and exchanged her underwear with a single swoop (Ninja-Pantsu: For Greater Flexibility) from the leg of her ninja suit tights. It didn't seem like anyone thought it was too suspicious.   
  
"I have a bad, bad feeling about this..." Naruto muttered to no one in particular, looking around the dark cavern.   
  
"Heh!" a surprised sound chuckled at them from somewhere. Nothing was visible in the darkness. Hot air blew at them from somewhere ahead.   
  
"Welcome... To Hell... Heh!" the same deep voice sounded again.   
  
The four inched deeper into the shadowy hallway one step at a time, and passed another wave of hot air going the other way. Finally after more several minutes of slow advancement they spotted a dead end ahead. Something large stood waiting at the tunnel's end, something large that didn't make any effort to make a move at them. They kept the defensive formation and pushed slowly onwards.   
  
"I take it you have come for the tournament... Heh! Come closer, little peons... Heh!"   
  
They took another step. Suddenly a huge tail appeared from the shadows and grabbed Sakura. It kept on strangling around and around her body in a very swift motion.   
  
"Whoa", was all Sasuke had time to say as Sakura was already completely trapped.   
  
"Seventh layer is your destination, child... Heh!"   
  
The tail pulled Sakura up with fierce pressure and disappeared from sight, just to instantly reappear and trap Naruto. The hot gust of wind from throwing Sakura away blew forcefully at Kakashi and Sasuke.   
  
"Guuh!!" Naruto grunted as the tail already coiled repeatedly around him and kept on strangling him more and more with each round. The tail stopped for a blink of an eye after it had coiled around him seven times.   
  
The tail disappeared from sight pulling Naruto along with it. Only a hot air wave remained where Naruto just stood a fraction of a second earlier.   
  
"Seventh layer for you as well my dear... Heh!"   
  
Kakashi jumped away from the tail and it struck Sasuke instead. He couldn't move to avoid it, even when he saw it coming with the Sharingan.   
  
"Seventh layer, isn't it a busy day today... Heh!"   
  
The tail pulled Sasuke mercilessly up and disappeared to the shadows. Kakashi felt another very hot wave of air on his skin.   
  
"Then the last little maggot... Heh!"   
  
Kakashi jumped in sight from his makeshift hideout behind a nearby boulder.   
  
"I guess you know my destination as well."   
  
"Good! Heh! I'd have sent you there anyways, or my name isn't Minos... The guardian of Hell... Heh!!"   
  
The tail grabbed Kakashi and twisted around him seven times before disappearing into the pitch-black shadows faster than the eye could follow, pulling the Jounin forcibly with it.   
  
"Seventh layer... Everyone's going there today... Heh... Hmm!? Who's there? Heh!"   
  
Two dark cloaked figures stood in front of Minos.   
  
"Thez firstz phasez isz nowz completedz... Theyz allz havez enteredz thez seventhz layerz ofz Hellz."   
  
"Trulyh soh. Shallh weh?"   
  
"Minoz-sanz... Seventhz layerz pleasez."   
  
"Sameh forh meh."   
  
"You guys... Heh! I sure hope you don't want back up any more! Heh!!"   
  
The scaled tail of Minos struck at the first figure from nowhere and strapped around the cloak at top speed. It coiled seven times around the short body and then tried to pull the body up in vain. It pulled again, this time harder, but to no avail. The rock floor and wall cracked under the pressure.   
  
"Oppz, sorryz... Iz havez toz letz goz withz myz toez..."   
  
"Well do so... Heh..."   
  
Minos threw the first figure into the darkness, generating a gust of hot wind at the same time.   
  
"Ongemashimashuh."   
  
"The pleasure is all mine... Heh!"   
  
The tail coiled around the second figure seven times and threw it away, down to the seventh layer of Hell.   
  


* * *

  
Kakashi suddenly landed on a hot and tight small hallway. It was built right into the glowing red rock that emanated heavy, stinking heat and some constant dark red light into the small passage. The walk path turned from left to right and up to down already on the short section of visible hallway, like the miners would have been totally sloshed while digging this route. Here and there huge timber logs had been bolted deep into the walls, to keep the passage from collapsing and burying up everything down here for good.   
  
Kakashi wiped his brow from the quickly accumulating sweat and quietly wondered to himself, if Hell qualified for a fire hazard.   
  
He spotted his three students just a short walk ahead of him, all standing completely still in front of a small fist-sized hole in the middle of the hallway. A white circle had been painted around it.   
  
Sasuke had his hands in the pockets and drilled an intent stare at the floor. Sakura held her hands in front of her chest. She watched the hole almost longingly. Naruto just kept hold of the back of his head with both hands as he stared at the same small hole. Kakashi curiously approached them in a very alarmed stance, as this kind of behaviour was most irrational in this kind of situation.   
  
"What the heck are they doing?" Kakashi muttered to himself.   
  
As Kakashi came closer, he suddenly heard a very small voice come up from the fist-sized hole. 
    
    _...Jutsu-casting, assasinating crap of the world
    You are not your payroll check
    You are not your ninja uniform
    You are not the contents of your scroll pouch
    You are not your torture resistance
    You are not your dirty laundry
    You are not your exam results
    You are not your fucking Jutsus..._

"Oi!" Kakashi interrupted loudly.   
  
"Huh?" Naruto asked.   
  
Sasuke blinked.   
  
Sakura looked around.   
  
"Sensei... Where are we?" she asked.   
  
Kakashi shook his head once again. Why did this always happen to him?   
  
_You have to realize that you are dead. Until you know that, you are useless._   
  
"Don't get caught in traps that easily"   
  
"What traps?"   
  
"..." 
    
    _I say... Deliver me from Stone Country pottery.
    I say... Deliver me from industrially sharpened kunais.
    I say... Deliver me from badass poses and cheesy punch lines.
    I say... You have to give up._

"Lets go", Kakashi said.   
  
_You have to give up..._   
  
"O-ssu..." Sasuke said.   
  
Everybody stared at him eyes wide.   
  
"What?" he asked with an annoyed glare.   
  
Kakashi sighed once more.   
  
"Don't scare me like that!" Sakura said and shook her fist at Sasuke.   
  
"Hell yeah!!" Inner Sakura added.   
  
"Sasuke-hamster finally lost his marbles", Naruto grinned at him.   
  
"Shut up..." Sasuke said and turned away to walk down the hallway. He managed to hide the heat rising to his cheeks, which might have brought up some completely unnecessary misunderstandings.   
  
"Almost like you're blus..."   
  
"Just shut up, dobe!" Sasuke half yelled and marched ahead.   
  
Kakashi gave one last look at the hole on the ground behind him.   
  
"_Why do they have to wait until here before telling you that? Is that some kind of divine joke?_" he pondered to himself.   
  
... 
    
    _This is your afterlife, doesn`t get any better than this.
    This is your afterlife, this is your afterlife.
    This is your afterlife, spending one minute at a time.
    Welcome to Phlegethon...
    If this is your first night, you have to fight._

  
  


* * *

  
I almost forgot to let you all in on the most crucial detail: DON'T PANIC!   
  
Team Seven has gone down to Hell! How hideous-chu! But how will things turn out in the depths of Hell?! Where did the squirrels go!? What was the mention of the Tournament?! Will Inmon-san get his reading glasses back, or not!? Is there a giant conspiracy somewhere and against whom?! The suspension is just too great!!   
  
See you next time. Bai bai~! 


	5. An Avalanche in Hell

There's some weirdness in this chapter... But that's no surprise anymore I hope. 

---

They crawled and climbed through the twisty little cave passages, and slowly passed over or under the occasional collapsed support logs and stone pillars to yet another turn in the stuffed passageway.

All that trouble was then rewarded with just another tight and cluttered route onwards. Sasuke and Naruto had to sweat some extra moisture down their faces while pushing a large and heavy rock out of the way. Kakashi stole a peek in his Evil Orange Book and Sakura just walked along, using her girlish powers to make Sasuke and Naruto feel bad about letting her do any hard work. She made quite a decent success there, too.

Eventually they reached something. The group of four dusty and sweaty Leafs looked out from the end of the passageway, which opened to a gigantic bowl-shaped colliseum-type arena - Hundreds of meters ahead and much further below them.

"What the Hell is this place!" Naruto yelled, looking warily down from the edge. He gripped the cave's cracked stonewall tightly with his right hand, since there was no kind of handrail or anything usually seen on such dangerous locations.

The floor just ended most abruptly there, and a huge, long fall against the wall of red stone would be everything that a careless by-passer would experience from here on before hitting the floor.

"Dobe. Don't make so stupid puns." Sasuke smacked Naruto lightly upside the head.

"Shi... Ouch dammit! You almost made me fall! Freaking dimwit!" Naruto turned to yell at Sasuke.

"Shut up, you idiot..."

"Sakura-chan, did you see what that bastard did to me..." Naruto turned to wail to her.

"..." Kakashi implied silently, and sat on a broken stone pillar. He turned away from the bickering students to ponder over how to proceed from here on. And to just check his Come Come Paradise book once more.

This part of the seventh layer of Hell consisted of a single big round arena, at least half a kilometer in diameter, opening up at least two thousand meters upwards from the floor level. Many similar small cave mouths were visible all over the round and otherwise very smoothly carved walls. Theirs wasn't even halfway up the huge wall, but there weren't any useful footholds to use for climbing down.

Kakashi didn't happen to have a half a kilometer long rope with him, either...

"Hmmmm... How are we going to get down from here...?" Kakashi pondered to himself as he let his head sink slightly between his shoulders. A deep sigh followed as Naruto started to yell again. Something flashed briefly in front of the cave mouth.

"Shut up. Watch where we are", Kakashi promptly announced to the three Genin and stood up. Naruto stopped his fist midair just in front of Sasuke's face, and Sakura soon let go of their necks. They got up from the cave floor and turned to look at their team leader.

Kakashi's usual bored face didn't have that leisure look any longer, as the pearl white Hyuuga bloodline eye drilled deep right into anyone staring at his general direction. The four Leafs looked out of the cave mouth into the bowl-shaped area before them, trying to find something useful. This greatly increased their personal confusion levels.

The bottom part was understandable, since it was just a giant colliseum built right into the walls of dark red stone. There was a great amount of seats reserved for audience, and a much, much larger fighting space for the contenders than they had in the former Hidden Leaf fighting stadium. Some boulders offered protection and tactical qualities around the large arena.

What actually confused them was what happened above them. Flashes of shadow passed in front of the cave mouth in increasing intensity, as apparently people jumped down from their caves, heading down towards the stone floor and a certain death.

The ground in the cave passageway shook a little for a second, and a loud creaking sound came from behind them.

"Hey, hey... What is this all about, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked.

"_How the Hell should I know?_" Kakashi thought, and mentally slapped himself for doing the same horrible pun again.

Something started raining softly in the air outside the cave, and a grand smelly, heavy heat wave hovered in from behind the four.

"Ewww..." Sakura groaned. She frantically searched for a way out of the green and slimy and head-throbbing yuckiness that ensued from the cave.

"Look, they are jumping out", she pointed to another cave mouth just above them. Two ninjas jumped down just before red smoke blew out of the cave with a fierce velocity.

Their cave started rumbling again, this time more violently.

"Time to jump..." Kakashi muttered.

"What the...?" Naruto yelled.

"Jump, dobe... Jump!"

"Shut up, you idiot!" Naruto turned to yell at Sasuke.

Something crashed further inside the cave. Kakashi swiftly grabbed the three Genin and jumped off from the ledge.

----

"Then, next in our program... Is the official introduction speech by our most generous host, Mr. Satan! Here goes... Umm... Mr. Satan...?" A mechanical voice suddenly explained.

Naruto listened to the voice eyes wide for a second, before he inserted his index finger into his right ear and promptly twisted it back and forth, attempting to dig out any excess earwax. He didn't find much though, and another voice already continued the explanation.

"Cough. Hm, guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. Etc. Blahblah blah."

Naruto flew - or rather just freefell - through the air above the stone colosseum. Oh yeah, he was in Hell. In the seventh level of Hell. And he was going to smash against the stone floor below them any moment now.

Naruto raised his arms to cover his face from the hot wind. He heard the weird mechanical voice clearly inside his ears again while heated air restlessly blew against his clothing from below.

"The violent, the assassins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. And so on, no one is interested."

Sasuke suddenly turned sharply around in the air, as did Kakashi. Naruto still tried to memorize all that the voice said to him, and to not think of the stone floor that came towards him at an alarming pace.

"Where's Sakura-chan?" Naruto pondered. He couldn't see her anywhere.

"The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. Go home. There's nothing to see here."

Naruto turned around as well, and spotted Sakura gliding just above the three boys. She had her large white wings spread out with the help of her Furai card.

"In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Who the heck wrote all this stuff anyways?"

He turned around again, and wondered if he should say something nice to Kakashi or Sasuke before dying.

"Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level. Yadda yadda. Life sucks, and then you go to Hell."

Naruto came to a curious conclusion. Even though the stonewall and the cave mouths flashed by them in fast motion, and the wind from the air resistance blew fiercely against his clothes... Uhh. The ground wasn't really coming any closer.

"What the heck is this?" Naruto yelled to Kakashi and Sasuke.

Only thing they saw was Naruto with his mouth open, as the wind picked up his voice and blew it somewhere high above.

The mechanical voice came back again.

"That's that for the introduction. I have been told not to initiate our state-of-the-art torturing devices on living people... Which is a terrible shame, I must say. At least a few got caught in the fumes."

Naruto started to slowly float downwards. He noted that everyone else did the same.

"The temperature of this air blown against you all can be freely controlled from skin-burning hot to a deadly freeze, plus the velocity increased, so the magnificent toxic gas coming at you the other way will make contact faster. We usually keep the tenants up there for about fifty years at a time. Unless a sudden traffic jam gets stuck at the entrance to this level."

A mass of huge sweat drops blew towards the roof of the cave with the powerful air current, as hundreds of ninjas flying in the air each formed their own ones.

"Ok, lets get back to that later then... But always keep in mind, that it's very time-saving to die now, when you're down here already!"

The first ninjas landed on the stone ground, and Team 7 followed seconds later. There were easily a hundred shady figures standing around the fighting arena, almost all clad in ninja-type black clothing with their faces covered up. Naruto had his bright orange jumpsuit, Sakura wore her red Chinese ninja dress, and Sasuke had the dark blue shirt. Kakashi at least looked like a ninja with his Jounin suit and the facemask...

A mechanical voice started talking from megaphones planted in the walls of the arena.

"Ladies and Gentlemen... And Zombies and Demons! Without further ado, the Konohagakure Local Hell Fighting Tournament qualification rounds start right away!", the voice explained.

"This year's main sponsor is no other than... the Akatsuki! The criminal organization without peers!"

"What!" Kakashi uttered.

Sasuke grunted in an ineligible manner.

Sakura looked confused, and Naruto scratched his head, making questioning noises.

A blue and yellow kanji logo reading 'Akatsuki' appeared on a big screen on one wall. The logo rotated slowly over its axis, while short and corny theme music came out rather quietly of the suspicious speakers disguised as megaphones.

"Their memorable slogan for this year is: 'We are your friends! (If you have anything we want to steal)' -- Everyone, please look forward into meeting their members personally at the auditorium downstairs! Remember to bring your valuables with you."

Kakashi turned to look at his team, and walked next to Sasuke. Naruto looked at him, and then at the shaking figure, who was his teammate.

"Sakura-chan, what is that bastard doing...?" Naruto muttered to her.

"I don't know..." She whispered back. "And stop calling him a bastard already!"

"The qualification rounds will begin immediately. Please assemble at the competitors' area right away. If you look around the main hall, you will easily notice this fifty-seven foot tall bright red and steaming fellow here with a bull's head, he is Minotaur-san. The entrance is right next to his left foot."

People started to shift about, and as surely as the giant colliseum was built around them, on one wall a fifty-seven foot male torso with a bull's head stood as if nothing had happened. His body glowed bright red in contrast to the dark red walls, with red blood freely flowing down the sharp giant horns and further down the fierce face. The literally steaming and very muscular body emitted pure heat and rage out into the air.

"Moo." bellowed the Minotaur. And the walls shook from terror with his voice.

"We can take about a hundred entrants at a time, so please hurry if you don't want to wait for a very, very long time", continued the voice from the megaphones.

"Sasuke-kun, we have to go!" Sakura tried to pull Sasuke with them.

In an instant everyone had entered the door.

"We have now gathered enough entrants for the first qualification round", explained the voice again.

The door next to the Minotaur's foot closed with a loud bang.

Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi looked around. They were left all alone on the colliseum arena with the giant bull demon and an angsted-out Sasuke.

"Kakashi-sensei... Isn't there something weird about this mission?" Sakura asked.

"Aa. This mission started out as a mere retrieval of Inmon-san's reading glasses..." he explained, and walked some steps around the immobilized Sasuke. "But on the way here it has transformed into an international conspiracy... of a gigantic magnitude..."

"Since when did it have time to transform into an international conspiracy after we left from Taisha village..." Naruto muttered aloud.

"That's also a part of the mystery..."

Kakashi walked over to a dark red boulder, and examined it closely.

"And Sasuke..."

Sasuke just looked down and trembled with angst. He didn't hear or register Kakashi's comments in any way.

"Sasuke!" He yelled louder at the Genin.

He snapped his head up, and revealed the red Sharingan eyes. They locked on Kakashi.

"Sasuke... This mission seems to revolve around your brother Itachi!"

That initiated a reaction in the kid.

"Wh.. What... Ita... Chi..."

"We must now enter the Akatsuki Fan Club with fake ID's -- And get into the eye of the storm!"

Everyone looked at the Jounin in silence.

"Akatsuki Fanclub? What have you been smoking, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto grumbled and scratched his head again in confusion.

He made the Naruto-deep-in-though face and contemplated on the matter. Sakura hovered over Sasuke, who didn't care much for happenings of this world.

"We already are in the seventh level of Hell, I hope you aren't going to get us into anything TOO weird..." Naruto finally pointed out, and crossed his hands in front of him.

"Look over there, see that?" Kakashi pointed ahead.

"What's that?" Naruto tried to identify what Kakashi pointed at.

A small object had been placed inside a large glass globe.

"That's the grand prize for winning the tournament."

"Sensei, could it be...?" Sakura suddenly asked.

"Aa. They are Inmon-san's glasses."

"What the heck are they doing there?" Naruto yelled.

"I wish I knew... I really wish I knew..." Kakashi answered.

Naruto looked up to the big screen high up on the wall opposite to the Minotaur. Below the Akatsuki logo read 'Fan Club Sign-up available in the auditorium!'.

"Lets go downstairs", Kakashi said.

Suddenly everything went pitch black.

"What's this?" Kakashi's surprised voice asked.

"MWa Mwa MWa Ha Haa!" a cruel and evil voice laughed from the emptiness.

"Not this again..." Sakura's voice muttered from somewhere behind Naruto.

"Moo?" bellowed the Minotaur, and the walls shook again from the pressure of his vigorous voice.

A single spotlight lit up, revealing a wooden stage hovering some few hundred feet in the air. Someone appeared on top of it.

"MwahwahHWAHAWHAAA!" the person laughed.

He was male, somewhat older than the three Genin, with light brown short hair and a small goatee. He wore a silky white shining cape that flowed around perkily (yes, perkily) with his every movement. The cape also covered his whole body, so the four Leaf nins just stared at this freaky appearance with curiosity and evaluation.

"And who the HELL are you?" Naruto's voice demanded from the figure.

"I am... God", the man replied.

"What?"

"You heard me, insolent punk!" he pointed downwards with his finger. Everything was pitch black around him, though.

"What did you call me? You stupid cape freak!"

"I haven't been insulted like this in ten million years!"

"Well it's about time then!"

"Enough, Naruto... Who are you, and what do you want with us?" Kakashi's voice asked suddenly.

"Hmmm! What an interesting question!"

The cape-guy jumped down from the stage that hovered in the air, and dropped a very long way down towards the floor. Spotlights turned on somewhere high up with four of them catching each of the Leaf nins on the ground, and one more following the white-clad guy dropping through the air. He finally hit the rocky ground with a loud thump, but stood right up again.

"What the..." Sakura gasped.

"My name is... Terine Hatu!" the cape guy introduced himself.

"Looks like he is no ordinary guy..." Kakashi said quietly, and crouched his stance a little.

"That is most correct! Because, my wishes become reality!" Hatu said, and made theatretical forms with his hands.

He pointed at Naruto with a hand coming out from behind the cape. His shirtsleeve was made of the same shining white silk as the cape.

"For example, I wish that your head is a banana!"

Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke slowly turned to look at Naruto.

"What?" Naruto asked from them. His head had turned into the end of a very large banana.

"...Nothing", Sasuke said and turned back very quickly.

"I can wish anything I want!"

"AAAAAAA!" Naruto yelled as soon as he realized what was wrong.

"So now I'm going to wish... Hmm... I wonder..."

"Hey you cape-freak, turn me back!" Naruto yelled with his banana mouth.

"Why you! I should wish that your mouth was a pig's butt!"

"Hey, that gave me an idea... I wish that your mouth becomes a pig's..."

Suddenly the pitch-black darkness surrounding them turned to a blue shade… A very deep and ominous shade of blue.

"What's this then?" Naruto asked with his banana head.

"It's the sky... How beautiful." Sakura sighed.

"I don't think it's the sky, since we are underground", Kakashi pointed out.

"Hmph…" Sasuke snorted.

"Look over there, aren't those clouds?" Sakura pointed at a clump of white stuffs travelling across the deep blueness.

"How can something like this happen right now!" Terine Hatu wailed and grabbed his head with his both hands.

"That's no cloud..." Kakashi said as he peered to the distance. "Too sharp edges for a cloud."

"What is it then?" Sakura asked.

The white stuff slowly crawled towards them.

"It's text..." Sasuke said.

"Huh? Text? Why would text come towards us in Hell? Why the Hell is Hell so blue anyways?" Naruto yelled his question aloud. The rest of team 7 tried not to look at him.

"Shit...! The shittiest shit that shitty shit can shittily be!" the white-caped Hatu snapped to himself. He sighed loudly.

"Hey, shut up, you shit-freak!" Naruto pointed his finger at Terine.

He turned to look at Naruto with a fierce face.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU DAMN BANANA IDIOT!"

"WHAT! YOU COME HERE LIKE THAT AND TELL _ME_ SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

"YOU...!"

"Shut up. I can read the text..." Sasuke said.

"SHIT!" Terine still added.

"What does it read, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked from him.

"Windows has performed an illegal... What is this?"

"Shit... I crashed down the whole freaking world..." Terine Hatu worded, rather emotionlessly.

----

Light years below the Earth stood the four elephants that carried the world disc on their backs. Beneath it was the turtle that everything rested upon. Not many knew though, that the turtle was actually mechanical and hobbit-powered.

"That Terine idiot crashed the Earth again."

"Sheesh, isn't it the third time this month?"

"Something like that..."

"I'll go and reboot the Earth then."

"Pant, pant, pant... We cannot do any more extra work hours!"

"Shut up and work. I'll pour you a cup of tea later."

"Pant, okay..."

Billions and billions of billions of hobbits cycled onwards each sitting on an exercise cycle, which all were actually electricity generators for the turtle that the universe rested upon.

The tides of time turned on once again, as the Earth booted peacefully for the third time this month. No one on the planet even noticed anything.

---

"Look. It's the Akatsuki Fan Club membership signup tent. We'll sign up as fan club member to get some inside hints of their activities", Kakashi pointed into the hallway below the colliseum arena.

Sasuke spluttered.

"Huh?" Kakashi asked.

"Nothing..." was all Sasuke answered.

"_Me... entering... the Akatsuki fan club? Are you a freaking lunatic after all?_" was what he actually thought to himself. The wild look in his Sharingan eyes easily gave it away.

"Sasuke, this is for the mission", Kakashi explained.

Sasuke didn't look too happy.

But then again, when did he?

They walked to the tent and waited their turn in line. In less than a minute it was their turn to stand in front of the small desk facing the Akatsuki Fan Club member behind it. He wore a red cap with the text "Itachi is my love" written in pink letters on the forehead. It looked pretty freaky on a middle-aged smiling guy, who hadn't shaven his face at all during the past weeks or more. The black messy hair under the cap was just the sugar topping. Sakura bet he smelled like a garbage bin too, but it wasn't possible to notice it in the heated heavy odour of Hell.

"You all are here to sign up? Who might your names be?" he asked from the four nins.

"Me? I'm... Umm.. Hmm.. Err... Katake Hakashi."

"Here's your AFC membership card. Congratulations!"

"Thanks..."

The scribe turned his gaze at Naruto.

"Old man, gimme a card", he demanded from the clerk.

He just gaped at Naruto for a while with his mouth open, before continuing.

"Hmm? Fancy seeing a talking banana here. Who might you be?"

"Whoa... I'm... Umm... Nazumaki... Uruto... Uhh... He! He he hee!" Naruto chuckled at the clerk and scratched what would have been the smooth skin of the banana, if not for the rebooting of the whole mankind. But it seems due to a bug in the worldclass() routine some people still mistake Naruto for a banana.

"Here's your AFC membership card. Congratulations!"

He turned to look at Sakura next, and smiled.

"Saruno Hakura!"

"Here you go. Congratulations!"

He finally turned to stare at Sasuke with the deep gazing eyes.

"Sachiha... Usuke..."

"Congratulations on entering the AFC. Thank you all for your participation!" he beamed at the three innocently smiling nins and one Sachiha with a twitching eyebrow.

The scribe gave Sasuke his card, and turned to smile at the people behind Team 7 in line. Kakashi, Naruto, and Sakura quickly pushed Sasuke away from the explosion zone.

"Crap", Naruto muttered and stopped. Sasuke froze up completely.

"What is it?" Sakura asked.

Kakashi stared ahead further into the tunnel, where a cloaked figure stood in the middle of the path, and gazed right back at the group with red eyes.

"Hmmm..." Sakura pondered.

"That's... Uchiha Itachi..." Naruto said.

Sakura's eyes widened.

"Naruto... Who is Uchiha Itachi?" she whispered in his ear.

"I think he's Sasuke's brother or something. Wonder what he's doing here..." Naruto mused.

After that... They had no time to react as Itachi suddenly ran straight at Sasuke faster than their limited minds could even begin to comprehend, and grabbed the AFC membership card from his hands... He stopped to stand a head's height taller in front of his younger brother, and glared down at Sasuke from the corner of his eye...

"Sachiha..."

The red Sharingan appeared again in his eyes... Stronger than ever... Its deep bloody gleam fit the dark red despair of Hell just perfectly...

"Usuke..."

Sasuke had been frozen cold on his tracks, hands loose and forgotten on his sides. His mouth was slightly open, and cold sweat poured down his neck in large gushes.

"... Is it?" Itachi finished ominously... He looked around at the three other Leafs... No one dared to intervene between the brothers.

Itachi loomed over Sasuke's trembling and shocked form with full force, like a predator in a drive-in meat shop... Or like a cat in a grill (Itachi was the grill then, or the cat, if there was fish in the grill too) ...

Sasuke felt minutes and hours passing slowly as he shivered under his big brother's deadly glare.

Itachi kicked the Sharingan up and running around his eyes and muttered... "For seventy two hours... You will become a nutcase..."

"Onii-chan..." Sasuke whispered with a broken voice. His body shook back and forth for a short moment, and then swiftly passed out.

"Oh well... Gotta split... See you later, Naruto-kun..."

Itachi hopped away to the shadows... The AFC membership card clattered on the floor. Sasuke dropped down face first to the red rock floor, and Sakura immediately hurried to help him up.

"Sasuke-kun..."

"I'm afraid exposure is the only answer", a male voice cunningly explained from the sidelines. "There's the opinion of the entire staff, that Sasuke is criminally insane!"

"That boy needs therapy."

"Psychosomatic", he confirmed, and took a few steps around Sasuke.

He sat on a bench in a dark office in the middle of nowhere, at a table that seemingly stood on nothing. Sasuke's shirt had been taken off at some point, and someone had attached a blood pressure meter to his wrist.

"That boy needs therapy", another male voice pointed out.

"Clearly psychosomatic..." the doctor added and stopped on the other side of the desk. He placed his hands on the table and peered at Sasuke hard.

"That boy needs therapy", the voice said again.

Sasuke stood in a dark office in the middle of nowhere, and there was a couch next to him.

"Lie down on the couch."

"What does that mean?" Sasuke asked.

"You're a nut!" the doctor exclaimed. "You're crazier than a coconut!"

"What does that mean?" Sasuke asked.

"That boy needs therapy", the voice said again.

"I wanna kill you", Sasuke growled at the doctor.

"That boy needs therapy."

"And when I count to three..." another male voice explained.

"He was as white as a sheet", the nurse added.

"And he also made false teeth", the second doctor noted.

The doctor straight across Sasuke grabbed the report paper from the desk. They had asked for Sasuke to write about anything that bothered him.

"Did I ever tell you the story about cowboys and midgets... and indians, and frontier psychiatrists?" he read from the paper.

"Why, why, I was strangely hypnotized. I was in another world!" he looked up from the paper at Sasuke for a second with an evaluating look. "A world of twenty thousand girls! The man with the golden eyeball. Entighten your buttex... Put juice on your chin!"

The doctor stylishly snatched his glasses off by grabbing the left side earpiece between two fingers.

"I promised my girlfriend, I'd get her a... violin", he finished Sasuke's story.

A female doctor walked up to Sasuke.

"Can you think of anything that talks? Other than a person?" she asked from him.

Sasuke looked blankly somewhere ahead of him.

He turned his face slowly, and looked at the woman.

"A... A bird? Yeah..." he said.

"Craa! Craaa! Cra! Craa!" a raven cawed with a clearly plastic voice.

"Sometimes a parrot talks", Sasuke added as an afterthought.

"Craa! Cra! Cra! Craaa!" the raven continued.

The doctors all looked at Sasuke.

"Hehehe..." he chuckled all of a sudden.

"Yea some birds are _funny_ when they talk", the female doctor said with her warm voice. "Can you think of anything else?"

"Ummm... A record?" Sasuke tried.

"Shut up! Go away!" Sasuke shouted at Sakura, as she tried to hold his shoulders up. He shoved Sakura back with a lousy swipe, and attempted to stagger up from the floor.

"But... I didn't say anything..."

Sasuke stepped into a mental mine. The ground under his left foot lit up and started sucking him into the darkness.

"Stop it", Sasuke latched at Sakura, and grit his teeth.

"Stop what...?"

"Stop them! Yikes!" Sasuke's eyes widened.

Sasuke swiftly skipped up the wall and stuck his feet to the cave roof with Chakra. He glared down at Sakura and the foot-eating floor, and drew a kunai with one hand.

Kakashi watched the scene without saying anything. Naruto made some thinking noises and a clearly baffled face.

"Hmm..." Naruto pondered aloud.

"Stop THAT!" Sasuke's eyes gleamed as he pointed the kunai at Naruto.

"You say stop them stop that... Stop what? Aaa-aa... I still don't get it..." Naruto gnarled aloud.

"Hyargh! THAT! Those THREE DOTS OF EVILNESS! Always the THREE DOTS!"

"What?"

Sasuke just stood quietly on the corner of the cave roof and wall. He held his kunai protectively in front of him. The red Sharingan was well activated and glaring down on them.

Sakura, Kakashi, and Naruto all sweatdropped on the ground.

"Umm... Sasuke..." Naruto tried.

"Agh!"

"Jeez..."

"Hyaaargh!"

Kakashi scratched his silver hair with one finger for a moment, and sighed.

"It seems something like this happens every time he meets up with Itachi."

"Oh..." Sakura sighed.

"Aaaa!"

"I still don't get it..." Naruto muttered.

Sasuke went totally nuts with these words and alas, it took lots of effort, kunai wounds and hot chocolate to calm him down again.


End file.
